


I've Got Issues.

by seeking



Series: Stop-Motion Mind. [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Awkward Boners, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Crush, Awkward First Times, Awkward Kissing, Awkward Romance, Awkward Sexual Situations, Blushing, Bottom Isak, Denial of Feelings, Dorks in Love, Embarrassment, Falling In Love, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, I'm Not Ashamed, Love at First Sight, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Masturbation, SKAM - Freeform, Secret Admirer, Secret Crush, Sexual Tension, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-12 19:06:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10497582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seeking/pseuds/seeking
Summary: Isak has more issues than he can count. He wants nothing more than to feel, something. Anything to be honest. He craves touch and epiphanies and the ethereal feelings that people describe in books and art. Yet he can't. He can't accept himself because he hates who he is.So maybe when a boy waltzes into a party one night, he will finally feel.And maybe this said boy will end up being the most elysian human being Isak has ever met.I've got issues, but you've got them too. So give them all to me and I'll give mine to you.Or, the AU in which Isak is not very accepting of himself, at all. He is even more awkward and shy and angsty than in the original, can you believe it?





	1. Smil til verden.

                                                                                             _ **Fredag, 10/8/2016**_

 

            Isak laid solemnly in his unmade bed, he quickly glanced down at his phone. He couldn't shake the feeling of disgust from his chest, _what the hell is wrong with me_ he mumbled deeply to himself. It was peaking midnight and he suddenly received a text from the irritating first year girl that he had only just met that night at the pre-game with Jonas and the boys. His chest felt strange and hollow, he let out a low, sorrowful sigh. 

 

_**Emma** (11:35 PM, 10/8/16):_

_-Hey, I miss your face. You're really cool by the way. I am sorry if I took things a bit too fast for you, I just couldn't help it. But I think it shows how sensitive you are :)_

He groaned as he read the text out loud quietly. All he had to do was _feel_ something, he couldn't comprehend why he felt this constant numbness. Emma was stunning, ambitious, and quick-witted...at least theoretically. He realized he had to play this out, _he had no other choice_. _Fake it till you make it._ He recalled back to a mere few hours before, during their first time speaking. They had been kissing lightly in the bathroom, the boys had exited, seemingly attempting to give Isak and Emma a bit of  _private time_ together. What they are unaware of is that _alone time_ with Emma is the last thing he wants. He had done it for them, he _had_ to put on a convincing show. He got the girl, and he followed through with hooking up with her.

He truly wanted nothing more than to prove to his friends that he wasn't incapable. It was when his friends had left that he realized this wasn't a show for them. They truly believed he wanted Emma, and that he desired her equally as much as she desired him. When in reality she was nothing but another warm mouth, her body insignificant to him. _Jesus Christ Isak pull yourself together you WILL like her, just give it time._ He repeated these words of encouragement to himself and stared blankly down at the screen. His face dull and slack. He had yet to respond or even begin to type his best attempt at conjuring up an acceptable response.

 

_**Emma** (11:41 PM, 10/8/16):_

_-Hallo? I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable but it is quite rude to ignore me. I thought you wanted me to give you a blowjob, jesus most guys would kill for one. No hard feelings but don't be an asshole Isak._

_He_  twiddled his thumbs nervously over the keyboard, typing several letters only to erase them seconds later. _FUCK just come up with something_ he internally spat at himself. Isak was generally a natural flirt, or at least in this false persona he had created over so many years he had managed to become somewhat of a flirt. Suddenly a switch flipped within his brain. Any desire Isak had to just tell Emma he has no feelings for her ceased. The automatic protective barrier went up and seemingly in a matter of seconds he was _s_ uave, laidbackIsak. _Fraud_ Isak. The words began to flow onto the screen with little to no actual meaning behind them.

 

_**Isak**  (11:45 PM, 11/8/16):_

_-Hey, sorry for the late response, Eskild was using my phone. I had a lot of fun tonight as well. And sorry for acting so fucking weird I was not feeling myself, I didn't mean to seem like an asshole. Maybe we could continue what we were doing sometime soon? ;)_

 

_**Emma** (11:45 PM, 11/8/16):_

_-Don't worry about it, and I didn't mean what I said. You are not an asshole, you are so sweet. And I think a redo sounds like a fucking amazing idea._

 

_**Emma** (11:45 PM, 11/8/16):_

_-Oh and side note, you look adorable in that snapback. Goodnight Isak. <3_

_**EW.** He _ scrunched his nose while reading the last text she sent. His eyes scanned over the small, seemingly insignificant heart. **GROSS**. He thought to himself, why did it feel so _unnatural_ and _wrong_ to receive this small gesture of appreciation from her? It was like getting a kiss from his aunt, good intentions but way too intimate. _Wait what?_ He was the one who had just told her that he was not only _willing_ but _wanting_ to have sex with her, yet a tiny heart was throwing him off. _God_ , maybe he was really just overthinking all of this. _  
_

 

_**Isak** (11:50 PM, 11/8/16):_

_-Sleep well Emma <3_

He cringed insanely hard while writing that heart, but overall he was satisfied with how he played this off. _Maybe I am just super shy? Shit with girls?_ Isak would tell himself anything to get around the truth. Because once he said it, once he acknowledged it. _It was real_. No going back. And he knew that he would hate himself for it. Every time a girl attempted to pursue Isak he got a strange shallow feeling in his chest, it was completely indescribable. He kept telling himself that it was nervous butterflies, he was a virgin so all he had to do was tell himself the feeling is nothing more than young love jitters. 

He swung himself up from his resting position on his bed, setting his phone down carefully on his bed side table. He hesitantly put his feet down onto the floor and walked to his dresser. Turning to the full body mirror he had resting on his wall he quickly realized he was still wearing his clothes from the pre-game. He then remembered all his clothes had Emma all over them. "Great, I might just have to bleach all these clothes" he grumbled out loud to himself. He first unzipped the loose gray jacket then he quickly pulled off his white t-shirt. Turning to examine himself in the mirror, his body was lean and muscular. He had abs and his skin was perfectly pale, small freckles trailing down his body like stars parading the night sky. Reaching down, he unbuttoned his jeans and lifted one leg, clumsily pulling off the jeans and nearly falling over during the process. He stood in only his plaid boxers, he couldn't help but feel small and weak in this state.

He had no ego, no facade to help hide this truly damaged, feeble boy that was hiding beneath it all. It was all he could do to stand and stare into his own eyes within the mirror. Maybe somewhere within in the alternate universe that this Isak in the mirror lives in he was happy, he felt no strange dark cloud of baggage looming over him.

He pivoted briskly, leaving the mirror, and leaving the alternate universe mirror Isak behind. He padded softly down the hallway of his shared apartment. He knew it was far too late for Eskild or Linn to be awake, but he walked with extra caution to make sure he wouldn't wake them. 

He felt in the dark for the knob of the bathroom door, squinting as he carefully opened the door, not wanting it to creak too loudly. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips as he closed and instinctively locked the door behind him. Isak needed to shower, but first he had pressing business to tend to.  He scrunched his nose and looked down at the ever growing bulge in his boxers, he blew and exasperated breath out through his nose.

He awkwardly removed his underwear, the fabric brushing over the head of his dick so softly Isak nearly let out an accidental moan. He sat down on the toilet, shocked momentarily by the cold porcelain on his bare ass. Isak told himself he was horny because of what he had said to Emma, but in reality it had been a few days since he had masturbated so in all honestly it was out of his control. He closed his eyes, running a mental slideshow of images he thinks should help him get off. He intensively focuses on thinking about Emma's body and how it would feel to have sex with her. After about 5 minutes of desperately rubbing his dick he is genuinely feeling like he is developing rug burn on his shaft. He aggressively reaches for the lotion, messily pumping squirts into his hands. He leans back on the toilet, his back resting on the glass tank backing of the toilet. He was furrowing his brows and beads of sweat began to form along his forehead. He arched his back and wiped away the wet blonde curls from his eyes. He realized nothing was working, and he couldn't simply stop now, he was too far in. He stopped trying to think and his brain began wandering off into it's own sexual fantasies, he was remembering a boy from school he had recently seen around.

This boy had perfectly honey colored hair, his eyes were incredibly striking blue yet somehow soft. His eyes had an inconceivable number of layers to them, each layer shocking Isak to the core. It wasn't the kind of shock that paralyzed, or frightened him, this boy's eyes crawled deep beneath Isak's skin and made his blood dance in the most infuriatingly mischievous way. He couldn't help but smile, "they should name a crayon after this guy" he whispered breathily to himself. His mind flashed over the boy's soot-black lashes and the way his delicate blonde hairs fell ever so gently onto his brows. The boy's lips were always a pale pink color that reminded Isak of a rose bud, exquisitely plump and Isak couldn't help but desire them against his own. Before Isak could help himself, he was spilling over the edge. The milky warm substance was leaking onto his hands, he hurriedly shook his head out of the drunken daze he was in and rushed into the shower.

"Jesus" he murmured he adjusted the hot water to clean off his sticky hands. _Had he really just been getting off to the thought of a boy? A third-year, popular boy at that? No way in hell that was ever happening, and Isak wasn't gay_. He feverishly repeated these things to himself. _Anyways it is only masturbating, whatever works right? Plus he had always had a thing for blue eyes, no big deal, ...right?_ He finished his uneventful shower and pulled the yellow cotton towel from the rack, delicately tying it around his waist. He walked down the hallway and made his way back to his room, changing into the first pair of fresh pajamas he could find in his dresser.

Flopping onto his bed, Isak hadn't realized how exhausted he really was. He lazily reached over his bed and clicked off the light, feeling that this small task was taking too much of his dwindling energy. His eyes drooped as he stared at the ceiling, he tried his best to not think of anything at all. Ok maybe he thought of the boy, a little. Ok, maybe a lot. But only about the way he raised his eyebrows dramatically when he talked, and the way the boy's bone structure constantly commanded Isak to continue staring to take in more, and maybe even the way Isak's heart melted hastily every time the boy's laugh tumbled out of him like uncontrollable waves crashing destructively onto the shore. But it was no big deal, Isak was simply admiring another man's features.

_No big deal at all._

 


	2. Shaking hands, poison plans.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some days, Isak feels everything at once. Other days, nothing at all. What's worse? Drowning beneath the waves or dying from the thirst.
> 
> Sen-sa-tion:  
> /sen'saySH(e)n/  
> 1\. A physical feeling or perception resulting from something that happens to or comes into contact with the body.  
> 2\. An inexplicable awareness or impression.  
> Ex: Even is Isak's sensation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS! Thankyou so much for over 845 reads and 47 kudos on my last chapter, I never would have expected that within the first day of posting and it's my first fanfiction that I have ever written in my life so I am sorry if it isn't super great. But either way I hope you will continue reading.

 

                                                                                                _ **LØRDAG 10/9/2016**_

 

                Isak woke up the next morning practically in a daze,  he groggily reached over to power on his cellphone. The bright screen nearly blinding him, he rolled his eyes in his usual grumpy way. It was 9:29 AM, SHIT. His alarm would go off in a minute. He scrambled to turn it off but less than 10 seconds later the clock clicked to 9:30 and his alarm began blaring. He threw this phone at the wall, the noise startling him even though he knew it was coming.  "For fucks sake" he said, his heart pounding from the sudden transition of volume. It was just his luck to wake up the  _minute_ before his alarm goes off. He flopped down onto his pillow, groaning as he pulled the covers over his head.

It was Saturday and he had no clue of what he wanted to do for the day, he knew he had to make plans with the boys as soon as he could so that he can push the plans with Emma as far back as possible. He grumbled, walking over to where his phone lay on the floor. He silently prayed before picking it up, hoping he didn't inadvertently crack the screen. " _Phew_ " he blew out gratefully once he flipped the phone over and saw it was undamaged. Isak crawled back into bed, not wanting to think about Emma or his priorities for even a single moment longer. He pulled the covers over his head, blocking out the overwhelming loudness of life. 

Isak woke up several hours later around noon. He rolled out of bed mundanely and walked down into the kitchen. Peering his head into the door before walking in, he can see Linn and Eskild bantering over something irrelevant. He can't help but crack a small grin at them. He truly appreciates everything they do for him, although he is far too prideful to say so.

"Hei sleepy boy. How are you? Hungry?" Eskild bombards him with questions before he even has the chance to realize that he was spotted. Isak chuckled as he anxiously scratched the nape of his neck.

"Yeah I guess I am hungry." he said, rolling his eyes as he answered. Eskild was just so _happy_ all the time, Isak couldn't fathom how he managed to never show a shred of morose.

"Oh and I slept like shit, and Sana took my weed. How the hell am I going to be able to pretend like I tolerate you now Eskild?" he said in a very obviously sarcastic voice. "Just kidding I love you" Isak added briskly, Eskild let out a loud laugh and a small " _Aww_ " before Isak said, "Oh I was talking about Linn for the last part but I guess you're alright too Eskild" he said shrugging.

Eskild punched Isak's shoulder softly and clasped his hands over his mouth, pretending to be offended. "You know you love me." Eskild grinned maliciously, "I am your all-seeing guru and you love me. _Say it_ " Eskild couldn't contain his laughter while faking an angry voice and even Linn was chuckling behind them at the small dining table. "You guys need to shut up or at least just try to act normal for one morning." Linn groaned endearingly.

"Yeah yeah whatever Linn don't be too jealous." Eskild snapped back. "Whatever, you two are intolerable. I am eating my breakfast and then calling the psychiatric ward to take both of you away." Isak said sarcastically as he poured cereal into a shallow white bowl. "Oh wait Isak, before you go. I am throwing a rave themed party tonight, so invite who ever you want. Preferably some hot guys? Also, wear anything neon. Starts at 6." Eskild said enthusiastically, clearly excited about organizing this event. "Alright, cool." Isak tried to say with confidence, yet he knew this meant he was going to have to see Emma which made him insanely uneasy. "We love youuu." Eskild sang as Isak began walking out of the kitchen to make his way back into his room. Isak blew a small, weary kiss at the two of them as they burst out laughing then proceeded to continue their daily scheduled banter.

He grabbed his phone instictively from the bedside table as he settled into his cocoon once again. This time he was holding his bowl of cereal and curled under his blankets. He clicked on his phone as he sloppily shoved spoonfuls of nearly soggy cereal into his mouth.

 

**_7 MISSED MESSAGES:_ **

**_JONAS (12:14 PM 10/9/16):_ **

_-Yo dude, how did it go with Emma? Lots of blowing im guessing? Congrats dude she's hot._

_-Oh also, eksyld or however you spell it is throwing a party at your place tonight.  it starts at 6, but you prob already know that since you live there LOL. i already invited Emma for you ;) don't worry bro i always got your back._

 

**_Emma (12:17 PM, 10/9/16):_ **

_-Hei hei! I heard about the party tonight, wow rave theme? what shall I wear aha maybe a colorful top, something easy to take off? I was thinking we could wear matching tops or something cool like that, or whatever you'd like. Text me what time, see you there <3_

_-Well I guess you will see me there since you live there._

**_Emma (12:19 PM):_ **

_-sorry that was weird please ignore it. hah_

_-wait don't ignore the first part though I do need to know what time to come to the party._

**_Emma (12:24 PM):_ **

_-Isak?_

_JESUS FUCK._ He tried so hard to not be annoyed by Emma, but she was absolutely incessant. She would just keep texting Isak until he answered. Then if he didn't answer she would just get irritated at him for no reason, does she not realize that Isak doesn't spend his every waking moment waiting for texts from her. On top of it all, the small sexual comments she continued to slip into her texts were just so uncomfortably awkward yet somehow it seemed like she had to put all of her effort into it. But Isak had to keep things up with her, he had always heard such enticing things about having sex, Jonas was constantly bragging about how awe-inspiring it is and how he is practically a _changed person._

Isak had always laughed at that, how could sticking your penis into a hollow opening change someone anyways? But now Isak was starting to think maybe it was true? Maybe all he needed was to have sex with Emma and _feel_ something, anything. He decided this would become his mission, the fastened heart rates, the skin on skin, entwined tongues. He wanted, scratch that, he _needed_ it all.

 

**_Isak (12:32 PM, 10/9/16):_ **

_-Hey emma, the party starts at 6 so come anytime around them. also i can't wait to see you tonight. And yeah the theme is rave so just wear anything colorful or neon, i think eskild is just going to put some paint on my face or something._

**_Emma (12:32 PM, 10/9/16):_ **

_-Aw Isak in facepaint, I can imagine it already. so precious <3_

**_Isak (12:33 PM, 10/9/16):_ **

_-heh, yeah i guess. see you then Emma_

 

 Isak could swear he has never groaned this many times over the course of 5 minutes than he just has. He knew he couldn't tolerate her for much longer, he tried to keep his messages as short as possible. Not wanting to develop an emotional connection on her part, although he knows it is probably too late to prevent that. He simply needed to use her to be able to prove something to himself. He had plenty of time to kill before the party started, maybe he could do something with the boys till then.

Isak just needed something to take his mind off of the fact that in less than 6 hours he may or may not be having sex with Emma. Shivers ran up his entire body as the thought finally settled beneath his skin. The parasitic concept buried itself beneath Isak's skin, beneath his heart, somewhere deep in the pit of his stomach and he suddenly felt the need to vomit. He swallowed hard, this was not okay, _something was very wrong with Isak._

He rapidly pulled out his phone, opening the group chat with Mahdi, Magnus, and Jonas. He had to hang out with people he loved, anything to force this thing, this feeling, whatever it was, to stop poisoning Isak's mind. He needed to be drunk, very, very drunk. As soon as possible.

 

_**THE BOYS GROUPCHAT:** _

_**Isak (12:43 PM, 10/9/16):** _

_-boys, we need plans asap. im thinking we can all hangout before the party tonight. oh and magnus maybe we can find a way to get vilde to come to the party tonight, eh? also we need drinks and possibly i can find a way to get sana to give me the weed back for tonight._

_**Mahdi (12:44 PM, 10/9/16):** _

_-Alright man, I am down. but you gotta get the beer. you owe us, remember? I got it next time but my mom is mad at me right now for basically hotboxing my room. so she won't give me any money._

_I **sak (12:44 PM, 10/9/16):**_

_-yea yea don't worry I got the beer. but jesus fuck man how did you hotbox your room? just open the windows, come on now i thought you were better than this._

_**Mahdi (12:45 PM, 10/9/16):** _

_-hey cut me some slack i was already possibly slightly high before i even started smoking again. jeez isak since when did you become my parental gaurdian?_

**_Magnus (12:46 PM, 10/9/16):_ **

_-HEYYYY MY BOYSS. howdy doo? im totally down for hanging out. im trying to get sum sex with vilde tonight so i will owe anyone who can get her to come. pretty plEASEZ?_

_**Jonas (12:46 PM, 10/9/16):** _

_-dude magnus how come you don't just ask her yourself. girls dig the whole desperation thing._

**_Magnus (12:46 PM, 10/9/16):_ **

_-I am not desperate jonas come on man, i am just really in need of sex. theres definitely a huge difference there._

**_Jonas (12:46 PM, 10/9/16)_ **

_-ok anyways back to the point, yep im down to hangout as well. lets all meet at my place at 2._

**_Mahdi (12:47 PM, 10/9/16)_ **

_-uuuh sorry to break it to you but you are more desperate than a dog in heat mags.._

**_Magnus (12:47 PM, 10/9/16)_ **

_-awww shut up come on guys. i am not._

**_Magnus (12:51 PM, 10/9/16)_ **

_-right?_

**_Magnus (12:51 PM, 10/9/16)_ **

_-GUYS?_

Isak snorted loudly while reading Magnus' hopeless attempts at proving himself. But  it was true, Magnus radiated desperation with every word he spoke He never knew the right things to say and generally tended to cause everyone to laugh at him. Yet somehow in the end that is why they all loved him, he was so unaware, similar to a small puppy who just needed cuddling and words of affirmation. He set his phone down again, ignoring the 'see you soon' texts from Emma.

He tried his absolute best to shove the small hearts she always wrote at the ends of her texts somewhere deep below his already sickened gut. It wasn't working though, he always felt it. Although it wasn't a physical pain, Isak could swear it nearly felt like one. He felt like his head was spinning, and he kept having the urge to wipe away nonexistent tears that wanted so terribly to form but couldn't. He decided on listening to NWA and watching short comedy compilations until 2 o'clock finally arrived.

 

 _BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ._ Isak's rubbed his eyes, he had no idea when or how he had managed to fall asleep while waiting for the time to pass. He checked his phone, quickly realizing it was 2:45 PM. "FUCKING FUCK." he blurted out loudly, his plans with the guys! He had over 12 missed FaceTime calls from the group chat. He hurriedly leaped out of his bed, barely having time to grab his phone and nearly slipping on the wood floor as he sprinted towards the door. He nearly forgot to put on his shoes but remembered to clumsily slip them on before rushing to grab his bike. His phone rang again, "HELLO!" Isak scrambled to press the answer button while mounting onto his bike. "Yo dude, the fuck. When are you coming man we got the weed. We're missing our vital member of the gang, why are you so late?" Jonas said in a pressing yet still caring way.

Jonas somehow always managed to sound sympathetic, like no matter what Isak did or said he would always be there to support and understand. "Yeah I am so fucking sorry man I fell asleep and just woke up roughly 25 seconds ago." He blurted into the phone, he was so out of breath that he was sure all of his words just sounded like one long vowel. "Did you remember the beer?" Jonas asked cautiously. Isak grumbled, angry at himself more than anyone else. "No, like I said I just woke up and I am currently pedaling down the street towards your house as we speak." he was standing while pedaling in an attempt to pick up extra speed. Jonas let out a half wheeze, half laugh. "Alright whatever man just get here. But you still owe us.", Jonas said as he hung up. Isak turned the corner onto Jonas' street and carelessly dropped his bike in the yard. This was basically his second house anyways, he had grown very comfortable to say the least over all these years. Isak entered the home, immediately making a straight B-line for Jonas' room.

He was greeted with high fives and greetings from the boys. "We missed you man! Are you ready to get crazy laid tonight? I heard Emma has some major plans." Magnus said as he cornered Isak into his usual Magnus-style bear hug.

"Woah-woah-woah, come on. That was supposed to be a surprise for him to unwrap later." Mahdi said with an almost impossibly large grin and a wink. "Alright whatever guys let's just smoke and drink and we'll figure the rest out later. Whatever Isak wants to do is his choice." Jonas said confidently.

 _God,_ Isak had no idea how he could possibly ever survive or even function properly without Jonas. He always knew exactly the right thing to say to calm Isak's nerves even without doing it intentionally.

By 5:30 all 4 boys were completely stoned and wasted. They had smoked any and all weed that Mahdi and Jonas could muster up and they even smoked anything that Magnus had stashed. Jonas' parents were away on a business trip, which meant they could hotbox his room just to reuse the smoke for an even further amplified high. They had chugged down two 6-packs of beer within the first hour and proceeded to move on to harder liquors. Vodka, whiskey, practically any alcoholic substance they could find. They all were laughing so hard that tears were streaming down their faces as they decided the only option left was to move on to the fancy wines Jonas' mom always liked to drink. Isak clutched his ribs, they hurt so bad from all the excessive laughing. They had pretended to be in a wine tasting circle and all added small critiques while holding the glasses in a fancy manner.

"Wow Barbara, this wine is so European. Purely magnificent." Mahdi struggled to say as he held in his laughter. "I agree one hundred percent Sue, this wine is absolutely shocking. It is like an orgasm on my tongue. Like the orgasm I haven't had for 30 years because I divorced my husband to be one with the wine." Jonas spurted out, biting his tongue.

"Wait..Is a wine fetish a real thing?" Magnus asked, a completely innocent and curious look on his face. They all glared at him with the " _Really Magnus......really?_ " look.

Magnus stood on his chair and began unzipping his pants, clasping his wine glass tightly. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Mahdi yelled.

Magnus looked at his pants with a concentrated look as he pulled them down and actually began speaking to his dick. "Hello Mr. Fossbakken, I have only one simple question for you. Since my friends refuse to answer me. Is a wine fetish a real thing? And how does one go about banging a wine bottle?".

All the boys nearly fell out of their chairs simultaneously from laughing at Magnus' ridiculous comedy. " _SHIT_ -Uh-Wait what? Oh yeah! We gotta go guys it is nearly 6." Isak stuttered as he talked, giggling more with every word. They all scrambled up, it was pure luck that they didn't cause an accident on the way back to Isak's place, especially since they were all on bikes and none of them could ride in anything that even remotely resembled a straight line. 

 As they all pounded on the door, arguing over who should get to knock first they just decided that doing it all at once would intensify the sound. Eskild answered graciously, he swung open the door like he was welcoming them into a grand masquerade ball. "Why hello, and welc-" Eskild stopped as he turned away from the party, actually seeing who it was standing at the door. "Oh it's just you neanderthals. Get in here boys."

They all stumbled in, still laughing uncontrollably, but Isak suddenly stopped laughing and froze as all of his friends wandered off to find something or _someone_ to do.

Except Jonas of course, "Are you okay man?" He asked with a very concerned look appearing on his large, bushy eyebrows. "Yeah, yeah I am fine. I think the weed really hit me." He pretended to chuckle, although in reality it felt like the high had just wore off completely. Jonas gave him an assuring nod and walked off to find the rest of the boys. Isak kept his eyes trained on the floor, not wanting to look up and see Emma sitting on the couch alone. _Well shit, I got myself into this,_ he thought miserably.

He carefully walked over, not allowing his eyes to leave the floor for even a moment. "Hi!" Emma virtually squealed into his ear as she saw him walking towards her. She pulled him down into the couch with a tight choke hold hug.

"Oh-uh-yea, hi." he responded, giving it his best shot at sounding casual and collected. "Where's your neon?" Emma asked while charmingly poking his cheeks. "Oh, I forgot. I got a bit busy." He said as he imitated smoking a blunt with his fingers.

She was terrifyingly positive and Isak couldn't stand it, she annoyed him beyond belief but he had no right to act like an asshole to her. She had done nothing wrong, Isak was the wrong one here. _He was the one who needed fixing_. Before he could process his next thoughts she had yanked him off the couch and to his feet. "Don't worry! I was using some paint to help Sonja do her makeup. I left it in the bathroom, come with me and I can do yours all nice and neon-y." She giggled enthusiastically as she dragged him towards the bathroom.

"Who is Sonya?" he asked curiously, he had never heard her name before. "Oh she is Even's friend." _Even. Even. Even?_ The name rang strangely within the barriers of his skull, it felt like an irreplaceable song lyric that Isak couldn't get out of his mind.  But what was truly strange was that Isak had no clue who the name belonged to, it just resonated with him in an uncanny way.

"What color?" Emma asked as she closed the bathroom door behind them. "Oh wait don't answer that! I already know what will work perfectly." She said as she dipped the tip of her pointer finger into the pink paint. She delicately brushed a stripe directly above both of Isak's deeply carved cheekbones. "Perfect." She whispered into his ear breathily. "You look like a grumpy little kitten." she cooed contently, stepping back to admire her work. Isak couldn't help but blush and stare at the ground, he didn't know what to do. He desperately wanted to escape this situation. Sure, Emma was sweet but he _couldn't_ do this. His cheeks were burning and he felt like his head may explode at any moment.

Just as Isak prepared to opened his mouth and tell her that they should probably get back to the party she began kissing down his neck feverishly. Isak fell completely motionless, giving her full control. He stood still, letting out weak shaky breaths as she sucked hickeys into the small of his neck and his pale collarbones. He could feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes, he blinked excruciatingly hard prevent them from fully forming. Emma ran her hands over his body, shivering beneath her touch. His hands stayed limply at his side, he had no desire to try to touch her. She let out soft moans as she cupped Isak's groin firmly. He jolted, realizing he was not hard in the slightest. She shot him a confused look but continued to smother his lips with hers as she unzipped his jeans. The door directly behind Isak swung open and Isak swore he had never been more thankful in his entire life for someone entering without knocking. As Emma shyly looked up and took a step back from Isak he discretely wiped his eyes and prayed he didn't look half as terrified as he felt. As he opened his eyes he  felt as though there was no way this could be really happening, he let out a sharp gasp.

 _It was the boy._ His hair was settled into the most perfect honey blonde swirl at the top of his head, and he had a neon yellow bandanna parading his perfectly sculpted head. He was art. "Oh hey Even." Emma said, sounding slightly annoyed from the sudden interruption. _Even_ , that was his name. Isak felt a strange relief as he repeated his name to himself. Every time he secretly mouthed out the name it felt like Isak's first breath of fresh air. It was as if it radiated a sense of peace within Isak. "Hey-uh-hi-I didn't mean to interrupt anything." he said, he seemed disappointed as he glanced over at Isak. Was something wrong? Was Isak's zipper down or something? Why was Even staring at him with such a sad look on his face? "It's fine, but can you maybe-" Emma started, Isak knew immediately that she was going to tell Even to close the door and leave again.

"Uh-I have to go Emma. I'm going to get a drink." Isak said with the most stable voice he could manage as pushed out of the bathroom door, feeling tears burning down his cheeks. He didn't bother turning back to look at the disappointed look on Emma's face. He wouldn't dare to let her see him cry, to see him vulnerable, there was no way she could ever fathom the feeling that he was feeling. He was hollow. 

Isak pushed through the crowds of people in his apartment, going straight past the kitchen and into his room. He slammed the door behind him, knowing no one would even hear it over the booming music. He slid down the door, landing into a squatting position. He held his face in his hands as the tears fell. He thought he might scream, but as his throat constricted all he could muster was an unintentional mangled squeak of raw emotion. He fell over from his crouching position and laid limply on the hard wooden floor. Suddenly there was a quiet tap on the door that Isak could hardly hear over his own sobs. Before he could protest and tell the person to go away the door opened the smallest crack.

"Isak?" A male's voice whispered. "Talk to me." The voice was strong and deep, it made Isak want to melt. Isak stood up and gave a failed attempt at looking composed. He knew it was useless , his cheeks were stained with red and his eyes had glossed over. He had cried so much that sometime during the crying it felt like he was unaware of why he was even crying anymore. He was simply so tired of having to be _himself_ , he despised of the role he had to play. It was absolutely exhausting constantly feeling nothing and then suddenly everything at once.

The boy standing before him was Even, Even had followed him just to make sure he was okay. Isak couldn't understand why he cared when they had never even spoken before. Before he had any time to ask questions or deny the fact that he was just crying a puddle onto the floor, Even closed the distance between the two of them in one stride and Isak was swallowed into the warmest, most welcoming embrace he had ever felt. Even wrapped his long arms all the way around him and held him like he was a small paper figurine who would be crushed at any moment. The sobs began rolling out of Isak and he couldn't do anything to stop them. He was making grotesque sputtering noises and he sounded like a small child. "I-I-I don't know what's happ-I'm fine, I mean-I think I am just sick. Or, I don't know-please just don't tell." Isak's attempt at composing sentences were terrible and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't form a full thought. "Isak it's okay, I understand." Even whispered gently. Even clasped Isak's face in his hands and wiped away the tears with his thumb.

A smile formed on Even's perfect face, "Am I crazy, Or do you still look beautiful when you're crying?" he said reassuringly as he gazed directly into Isak's wet eyes. Isak didn't understand, _what did that mean_? Had this boy, this ridiculously exquisite human being just called Isak beautiful? Every emotion that Isak believed he would never sincerely express in his entire life suddenly rushed through him. His entire body shook from chills that ran up him. Isak had been so numb he was unaware these sensations had ever existed somewhere so unfathomably deep within him. Within seconds his lips crashed onto Even's with the force of every emotion Isak had ever craved so deeply to feel. Even was so warm, he was all colors, lights, noise, he was like an unfaltering flash motion video playing right onto Isak's lips.

He was the revolutionary consciousness that Isak had never been allowed to have before.

 

   
  
 


	3. We accept the love we think we deserve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are still kids, but we're so in love  
> Fighting against all odds  
> I know we'll be alright this time  
> Darling, just hold my hand.
> 
> FOR·BID·DEN  
> adjective  
> /fərˈbidn/  
> not allowed; banned.
> 
> I gave all my oxygen to people that could breath.
> 
> FORBIDDEN LOVE  
> noun/verb  
> /fərˈbidn-luh'v/  
> 1) An amour forbidden by family, society, your conscience, etc.  
> 2) To be forbidden from someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for so long without an update, I have been extremely busy with school. I hope you will still continue reading. I love your comments <3 In this fanfiction Even DOES NOT have bipolar disorder as I feel I don't know enough about the disorder to properly create a character with it. BY THE WAY THIS FIC IS ANGSTY BUT DONT WORRY IT WILL ALL GET BETTER PLS BARE WITH ME. Oh also! In this fanfiction Even is in the same year as Isak, but he had transferred from Bakka to Nissen due to his parents getting new job locations. ALSO SONJA AND EVEN ARE NOT DATING. They do hookup sometimes but they are not dating in my fanfiction. Even is single because he had just moved. OH SHIT ONE MORE THING, There is Emma x Isak smut (TINY BIT) in this because it is vv important to the story line <3 Sorry if you don't like that but it will get better my children I promise.

**_Lørdag 10/9/16_   & S _øndag 10/10/16_**

 

                           Even pulls away from the kiss, allowing Isak to finally breath. Isak's lips are completely red and swollen, his cheeks are bright red. He looks up at Even with huge, terrified eyes. "Oh my god, I am so sorry" he chokes out. "I didn-I wasn't meaning to do that." Isak blurted out with more aggression than originally intended. "I'm not gay! If that's what you're thinking. I am not a fag." Isak sputtered the hateful words. "I didn't say you were." the words came out of Even's mouth like a hushed soliloquy, soft and full of hesitation. 

Isak's brain was on complete overdrive, had he really just exposed the only thing he ever tried so hard to hide? Every cell in his body was drowned in mistakes, he was not normal. His lips began to quiver uncontrollably as his hands shook. "Even I really am so sorry. I know that was wrong . I-I didn't think  before I did-it." Isak couldn't help but continuously apologize for the kiss he had just given Even. As he met eyes with the beautiful honey boy in front of him Isak's eyes quickly darted to the floor self consciously. Tears had began spilling over the edge of his eyes. "Please don't hate me." Isak pleaded, his voice barely a whisper.

Even raised his eyebrow, not in his usual trademark way but portraying an emotion that Isak couldn't quite identify. "Isak. I am sorry for whatever or whoever made you believe that being this way is wrong. But I don't and would _never_  hate you in any way for it. Who you love is not a flaw. And also that was a fucking amazing kiss." Even said cautiously as he lifted Isak's chin. "Ok. But I am not gay. I am just drunk." Isak said, attempting to defend his case as he tried to hide the huge blush that had just appeared over his entire face. Isak's voice dripped with desperation in every word. He wished nothing more than to disappear and melt to into his puddle of tears. "Whatever you say." Even said suavely, letting go of his face and taking a step back. He raised his perfectly fuzzy eyebrows and let out a loud heart-melting laugh. Isak decided right on the spot that this was his favorite collection of sound waves to ever exist.

Even swung around, striding out of the room, not turning to give Isak another glance. He was left in total dismay and he couldn't even form a proper thought. " _Jesus fuck_ " he muttered deeply. He was in a deep shit hole and he knew it, this boy had just ruined any and all walls Isak had worked so hard to build. " _Why am I such a fucking fuck-up asshole?_ " Isak couldn't help but think about the fact that Even had just willingly come in to help him and all he could do was push him away and belittle him. Isak cursed at himself as he breathed in deeply, he has to go back out into the party. He has a lie to come up with and a God chiseled boy to avoid. Isak was afraid that if he didn't avoid him he may try to make out with him on the spot.

Even smelled absolutely incredible. He knew because his scent lingered on Isak's lips and clothing and reminded him of when he was younger and his grandmother would take out the fresh linen from the dryer. It was a mixture of cotton, honey, baby powder, and boy. The smell reminded Isak of no worries, pure nirvana.

Even's words rushed over him and his blood curled. _I am sorry for whatever or whoever made you believe that being this way is wrong._ He scoffed, thinking of the frequent religious messages he receives from his mentally unstable mother on the daily. The constant verses and objectionable undertones toward people who were different had always made Isak want to hate himself.

 He brushed himself off and pressed the pads of his fingers into his red, recently tear stricken eyes. Taking a quick glance into his mirror he decided he looked decent enough to be seen again. Heading to his kitchen he grabbed a couple beers, intending on giving one to Emma. Briefly scanning the room until he spotted her leaning arrogantly against the wall talking with a blonde girl Isak hadn't seen before. Emma looked annoyed, one deep breath at a time he made his way to her. 

"Hey, Uh sorry for running off. I was feeling sick, I think I smoked too much earlier." he shrugged nonchalantly. "Oh I uh-got you this" he said as he pushed the beer towards her. "Oh well alright. I guess that's okay, I'm glad you're feeling better." She said lightly, clearly forgiving everything. "This is Sonja by the way. She's new to Nissen this year!" she said enthusiastically.

Isak couldn't help but scoff to himself, she was so gullible. He swore he could tell her anything and she would whole heartedly believe him. 

Hours later and it was nearly 2 am, Isak had been hanging with the boys and undoubtedly drinking more alcohol. Everyone was dancing and the music continued to gradually get louder. Isak had even danced with Emma to a few dubstep songs and he actually felt he was having some fun for a change. Although she tried to kiss him, which he thinks he hates, a lot. Every time she tries to touch him he felt a surge of hatred and uncertainty course through him but he just swallows it down and stands as still as he can. Afraid that if he moves he will breathe too deeply or shiver, something that may give away his facade. 

Isak had successfully managed to maneuver around the boy who made him tremble in more than one place. He took a deep breath as he searched the room with his eyes, everything was fine. Isak had a plan to look straight at the honey-boy and feel nothing. At least that was the idea. His eyes continued scanning through every head he could see, and BINGO. There he was, dancing joyfully with the blonde girl Emma had introduced as Sonja earlier. Isak thought that if he was a normal functioning human being he would find her very beautiful. She was wearing a tight black tank top along with denim shorts, her hair cropped and bouncy. His plan had failed though, little to his surprise. Even still took what little breath was left from Isak's lungs. He had the kind of face that Isak couldn't help but forget even while he was staring directly at it. There was just so much to take in that he couldn't form a perfect memory of it. A face that demanded him to continue looking at it for all infinity, and he knew that in this moment, he was staring at Even in every alternate universe.

Isak could tell that Even was like the Sun. He had people orbiting around him.. In one way or another all the people that met him felt attracted to him. He was the brightest person you could ever meet.  
And him? Well, in his little System, Isak was Pluto: a strange, little cold planet that no one wanted around the Sun, but who oddly was spinning around him in circles, in the opposite direction as everyone else.

He was so caught up in his own small world that he didn't even bother to notice as Emma began to approach him again. Cupping at his neck feverishly, grabbing at his clothing. His entire apartment had practically become a strip club, people were making out in every corner and moans could be heard clearly from the back rooms. Isak couldn't help but to feel surges of jealousy coursing through him, the people in _his_ apartment right now were allowed to feel love. Why wasn't he? All he was allowed to feel was ingenuousness and the sinking thought that every day he woke up deeper and deeper in an inescapable trap that he had created for himself. 

He quickly snapped back to reality as Emma's hands ran up his bare chest, her arms shoved under his shirt. She began rubbing over his nipples unskillfully and he let out a shaky breath. "Uh Emma, everyone can see us." he tried to think of any reason to get her off of him as soon as possible. But his words didn't affect her at all, in fact she began to push him against the wall even more forcefully and rub her mid thigh against Isak's groin. Her face dove into the warm crook of his neck as he looked helplessly around the room. He prayed someone could see his urgency and be so kind as to get her the fuck away from him. But no one was watching, everyone was far too busy eating someone else's face, or lying shit faced drunk on the floor.

Except Even. Even was still dancing with Sonja, holding her tightly in his arms. _But he was watching Isak_. Even as he began to kiss the girl he never took his eyes off Isak. Not once. Isak tore his gaze away, staring at the floor. He felt broken, he knew Even could see it in his eyes. He let out a deep breath, shifting his jaw and willing himself not to cry. He stared directly back at Even as they both kissed two unknowing girls. They had no clue what was going on inside each of their minds right now, but all Isak could imagine was how badly he wanted the lips that Even was kissing to be his own. He grazed his tongue over his upper lip as Even began grinding softly onto the girl, he could feel that was starting to get hard, _fast_. He shut his eyes, his long lashes fluttering against his cheeks. Images of the taller boy naked skin flashed behind his eyelids, kissing Even, holding him, _having_ him. He needed it.

Emma must have felt Isak getting hard against her leg. In all honesty he hadn't even noticed her, he hadn't stopped looking at Even since she walked over. But of course in her small naive mind she truly thought that she was arousing him. He nearly laughed out loud from the thought, she did nothing for him. But sadly she couldn't read his mind, so she continued to escalate the situation. Cupping at Isak's groin through his black jeans. 

"Let's go to your room." her words were hardly more than a series of breathy moans. 

Isak had no opportunity to deny her request, in fact he had no time to do anything at all. She was pulling him by the hand assertively away from the party and into the small hallway where his room was. He turned to look at Even one more time, trying with everything in him to convey as much fear into his eyes as he was feeling. Even stopped dancing and kissing the blonde girl, his face looked worried and even a bit guilty. And was that _jealousy_ that Isak saw? He swore he wasn't imagining it. Even's face looked purely envious in a sad, sort of small angry child way.

Emma dragged him into his room, although he was confused as to how he even knew which one was his. She slammed him against the back of his door and kissed down his chest. She grabbed at his denim jacket, shoving it off roughly. She began removing her clothing, first her shirt and next her bra. He could feel his eyes go wide as he stared at her bare chest, her body was perfectly sculpted but it only scared Isak. He had no clue what to do and was overthinking every move.

She didn't seem to notice any of his inner conflict though, she just continued kissing lower until she reached Isak's jean buttons. His breathing stuttered, he could physically feel his heart beating in his ears. He forced his eyes shut, willing with everything in him that this would feel okay soon. All he ever wanted was to be normal and kiss girls and touch them in the way everyone around him does so willingly.

"Isak" she breathed out softly as she grabbed his hands and forcefully pressed them against her breasts. He layed them still onto the soft flesh mounds until he realized that this was doing nothing to please her. He had to reciprocate or else it was not convincing in the in the least, although he's pretty sure she's too far lost in her own lust to notice. Only seconds later her hands found their way to Isak's hips and pulled at the band of his boxers. She pressed sloppy, wet kisses to his hip bones, nuzzling her nose into the soft blonde curls below his belly button.

She quickly pulled his boxers down to his ankles and her lips found their way around the head of his cock. This felt much better than the foreplay, there was no love or affection needed in it. Although they may not have been the mouth he wanted sucking him off right now, it was still nice. Warm and hot around him. She began moving quicker and quicker, his hands fumbled away from her breasts and towards her hair. He gripped the dark brown strands tightly and let his head fall against the door. He didn't want to look at her body, afraid he may lose his erection. But he hated to admit the fact that he absolutely loved the fact that her hair was as short as it is, the feeling of his hands tangled around her boy-like cut just made him harder. He could _almost_ convince himself that it felt right.

After a few minutes Isak was completely gone, he still hadn't looked at her but she was making soft moaning sounds from the floor. Her voice was far too high pitched, but he tried his best not to focus on anything but his own load. _He was close_. He could feel himself getting near the end, trying to extend the erection as long as possible because he feared more than anything what was to come _after_ the blowjob. He knows he is going to have to return the favor to her, and he had no clue how to do that. And he definitely knows he does not want to.

"Fuck" he sputtered out as the milky substance spilled out of him, she looked up at him. Seemingly pleased with herself.

"Fuck me Isak" she said proudly. "Uh-Oh-Um" he said, looking at the wall. None of his thoughts were able to form properly. "Don't you think people will wonder where we are?" she looked up at him with a questioning eyebrow raised. "Everyone else in this whole apartment is doing the same, duh" now she just sounded annoyed. He could understand where she was coming from though, every time she tried to make a move he got far too scared and made an excuse.

He was being pressured and didn't think he could say no. She would know something is up for sure, but he couldn't even manage to get another boner. He had no Even to look at, no beautiful boy to picture. It was just him and Emma in his dark, empty room.

But then he remembered he's Isak. The suave boy who could charm anyone. "Well I am very drunk right now, and uh-I want our first time to be special and not when I am shit faced, okay?" he even slurred his words to make his statement as convincing as possible. She seemed to fall for it immediately, clearly finding it sweet.

"Awh Isak, that's so thoughtful of you to want. I love you." she began to stand up and kiss his lips again. He nearly let out a groan, getting seriously tired of all her shit. He just needed to get back out of this room. He rolled his eyes, leaning down angrily to pull his pants back up. She didn't even notice his change in mood, and had she just said _I LOVE YOU_? What? He was too busy being annoyed to notice. Jesus she was fast, they weren't even dating and she had already managed to feel love for him.

A pang of guilt hit him because he felt nothing in return. Zilch, zero, nada, no emotion. She was there, and she wanted him and that was good enough. He had become so accustomed to being shut down that maybe this was okay? He could handle hiding for the rest of his life. Yet out of all the words that came to mind when he thought of Emma, love was most definitely at the very end of the list.

She waited for his response but it never came, his phone buzzed in his pocket, saving him. He glanced down at it, receiving a text from a number he had never seen before.

**_1 MISSED MESSAGE:_ **

**_342-567-4382 (3:02 AM, 10/10/16):_ **

**_-Hey, are you alright? Sorry if I am interrupting something, since you're most definitely not gay at all. Either way I don't care what you are, I just want to make sure you're okay. You seemed a bit overwhelmed. I care about you a lot, and I am sorry if I got you into a situation you didn't want to be_ _in._  **

Isak looked down at his phone, very confused. Who was this? Then it hit him, _it was Even_. How had he gotten his number? Not that he was complaining, he would probably tattoo this number on his forehead just so he couldn't ever forget it.

"Isak?" she brushed her nose onto his cheeks.

"Yeah? Oh uh sorry my mom just texted me, she hasn't seen me in a while" he lied.

"At..3 am?" he could sense the suspicion in her voice.

"Yeah, she's uhm- a bit unstable at times. She won't sleep for days and all of a sudden not wake up for days. It's not good." he nearly cried while admitting these things to her. He didn't even know why he told her. He would just rather her know about his mom and not be suspicious than for her to know the real truth.

"Oh Isak." her voice was full of pity, she pulled him into a bony hug. "Yeah" he tried his best to shrug it off. He walked out into the party without glancing back at her, he honestly couldn't have cared any less about her feelings. He knows he's being a huge asshole. But like everything else, he just pushes it aside.

He can't help it anymore, he needs to talk to Even. A real conversation, not just a kiss and then an irrational breakdown. He makes his way into the main room, the tall boy  leaning against the wall. He towered gracefully over everyone, a tall proud statue. He is nearly mirroring Emma's past position, but rather than looking irritated. He looks absolutely serene, Isak watches him laugh to one of his friends and the whole room feels like it's moving in slow motion. His mouth creeps into a smile at the sight of the tall sunshine boy's sharp canine teeth, Isak hadn't noticed them before but they made his look like a perfect vampire. He felt the familiar melting wobbly feeling in his knees again.

_Even was exquisite._

All the blood in Isak's body rushed to his face as he walked towards Even. _Fuck I probably look like a smiley tomato_ , he cursed at his overly exaggerated instinct to blush. Even hadn't noticed him yet but that was for the best, Isak is sure he looks like an absolute idiot. Ok. Just two more steps, _no big deal_.

He tapped Even's shoulder quickly. "Uh-Hi" he had an entire speech planned, but now as he stood before Even his tongue turned to complete mush. "Hey! Are you alright? You look flushed." Even said, his voice was honey smooth. And get this, Even actually reached out and placed his hand on Isak's forehead. Like a fucking concerned mother. He was the cutest most cheesiest boy Isak had ever met, yeah. _No big deal._

"I got your text" Jesus Christ, did his voice just crack? He sounded like a horny 13 year old boy. Yet another thing to add to the list of things that Isak does, or fails to do when he's near Even.

"Can we go outside and talk? I can barely hear you. Also, I have a blunt." Even laughed as he spoke. His eyes genuinely disappeared as the steady chuckles rolled out, Isak was falling deeper and deeper every second.

_Sunshine boy._

 Minutes later they were both sitting on the abandoned steps of his apartment complex, knees nearly touching. Isak had no clue how Emma could be fully naked in front of him and it felt like nothing, yet Even's fucking fully clothed _knees_ were hardly brushing his and he felt like his head was an atomic bomb.

"I realized I hardly have gotten the chance to talk to you, I am Isak Valtersen." he tried to speak with as much confidence as he could muster, wanting to impress Even. "Well, blonde prince-kitten boy. I am Even Bech Næsheim, practically royalty on the streets. You probably already know my name" fuck Even was not only insanely hot, but funny as fuck? How could Isak ever compete.

"Hey! Blonde prince-kitten boy? Come on man, don't damage my ego too much. How am I blonde prince-kitten boy?" he tried not to blush.

"Because your hair reminds me of a pretty little prince, like uh-prince charming! And your cheeks are always red, like a shy little kitten." Even reached out and poked the bouncy blonde curls that framed Isak's face.

"What the fuck! I am the savage viking Isak and I will not stand for your kitten nonsense! Oh and also I try so hard to get those curls to fuck off, I can legitimately brush them for hours. No luck." the place that Even had just touched tingled like a small wild fire.

"What? No! They're so fucking adorable, plus they seriously suit your face. You look like a painting." Even said effortlessly. "By the way savage viking Isak your fly is down." there was that honey-smooth Even laugh that made Isak's heart melt. 

"Fuck me!" he turned so he was facing away from Even, indiscreetly zipping his fly.

"So I am guessing some shit went down with you and hm-Emma? That's her name, right?" Isak could hear a bit of hesitation in Even's voice.

"Oh well-yeah. She gave me a blowjob, although she was really drunk so she wanted to stop." he blatantly lied, hoping Even would just drop the subject.

"Ah. Well she seems to be really into you. Although who isn't, pretty sure everyone in the school secretly likes you." Isak's heart pounded, had Even just discreetly said he likes Isak? He took a deep breath, needing to collect his thoughts before he says something he might really regret.

"Haha! Everyone?" he pretended to make binoculars with his hands and look around the empty parking lot. "Well I don't see too many people, also I am way too lame. Not nearly as cool or as popular as the Even Bech Næsheim. And yeah Emma is alright, although sometimes I just want to chop her head off." it felt so nice to finally say out loud at least a bit of the truth about how Isak felt towards Emma.

 "Well you don't even know the half of it." Even began counting names on his fingers, pretending to be going through all the people who like Isak. "Yeah yeah whatever!" Isak laughed, swatting down Even's hand. 

"Also, I have never been too keen on her either. Ever since I moved to Nissen she's been bombarding me with questions about my old school and family. I understand everyone would like an interview with me since, I am just so beautiful. But I need time to decompress and sit on my golden toilet as I watch my latest film." Even laughed, Isak found it amazing how similar their senses of humor is.

"Well then Mr.Royalty, why did you leave your old school?" Isak poked Even's ribs as he asked. Nope, that feeling of _oh shit this is an angel before me_ was still there every time he made contact with Even. 

"Hm, well where shall I begin. It all started once upon a time as I sat in Buckingham Palace. Hah, just kidding. My parents are both IT high-rank employees and their job sites moved from Christiania to Oslo, so here I am now. But sometimes I can be sort of epic, I mean so Buckingham palace. I have got to tell you one of my stories." Even raised his eyebrows to the sky.

"Enlighten me Even on your incredible, world-renowned stories." 

"Well in Bakka, I used to make short films that would feature all over Norway in film festivals and competitions. I even made one where Donald Trump fell in love with an old, fat realtor and they ran away together into the woods. The government tried to find them for years until one day a giant, life-size Barbie walked into their mobile home and put a curse on them. Basically every time one of them farted, they lost an inch off of their penis" Even smiled as he told his epic memory, clearly thinking back to the fun.

"Wow. I am truly speechless. I had no clue I was in the presence of such talent. And such a huge fucking movie nerd." Isak giggled.

"Hey man, I can't deny it. I have a movie fetish. The cinematography and frame changes just really get me going.

"A fucking movie fetish?" Isak laughed out.

"Unless you know who Baz Luhrmann is don't speak or breath any where near me" Even said in a fake, posh British accent. 

Isak leaned into his face, letting out a huge breath. "Brass sour man? What's that, a brand of candy?" he purposefully butchered the name, trying his best to hide his laughter.

"WHAT! Leave my presence immediately! Fucking Brass Sour Man? Its _**BAZ LUHRMANN**  _and he makes the most top notch romance movies to ever exist. Honestly your lack of love for the arts digusts me, so if you don't know the world's best director. Then what movies do you like?" Even's voice sounded genuinely curious and caring.

"Well I personally feel that the Shrek 2 movie was an absolute cinematic masterpiece, the pure emotion and raw scenes just pulled at my heartstrings. No wonder it won 8 Grammy's." Isak pretended to wipe away a fake tear as he talked about his "favorite" cinematic piece.

They talked for another hour on the step, gradually moving closer to each other as they shared a blunt. The smoke swirled around each of their heads and Isak felt as though he was floating on cloud 9, not ready for the rain. Never wanting this night to end.

_In this minute he was loving every second._

They eventually got up, realizing for the first time that the music from inside had completely stopped. Yet only a few people had actually left the apartment. As they both walked in together Even began laughing loudly as he saw everyone asleep scattered around every room of the apartment. Many people had very little clothes on and even Jonas was hardly conscious next to Eva on the floor of the kitchen.

"Jesus" Even's cheeks puffed up as he tried his best not to laugh. Isak put his hand over Even's mouth and made a hushing symbol with his finger. Pointing to all the people who were asleep (hopefully) on the floor. 

Even grabbed the hand from off of his face and held it, cradling it close to his chest. Slowly he looked up at Even through his lashes. He was so far gone, knowing everyone around could wake up at any moment and see, but in this moment he didn't even care. He just stared straight into Even's eyes. It had been too dark to get a good look at them before, but his eyes were seriously blue. Almost sickeningly blue - full on Prince Charming, field of cornflower, perfect, cloudless sky blue. He had the kind of eyes that deserved to make a big deal of themselves.

This time it was Even who pressed into Isak's lips desperately, pushing his tongue as if he was searching for all of Isak's hidden secrets. Without even thinking, Isak was reciprocating the taller boys actions with the same fervor. If not even stronger.

Then there was a hot breath on Isak's neck, followed by the tender brush of lips. Burning as they make contact with his begging skin. He had been so devoid of touch and love that he soaked in every second like a bone-dry sponge. His hands were all over Even, in his hair, and Isak hoped in his heart as well.

A hand ran through his hair, as the kisses became harder and more urgent. Another hand slid around his waist, pulling closer to his perfectly scented body.

Isak's insides craved his touch. Every cell in his being craved his touch. As soon as his moist, plump lips imprinted onto his neck, Isak lost all rational thought.

_And in this minute Isak knew that these feelings for Even can't end until his body ceases to function and his soul was released for whatever comes after life._

Suddenly a loud thud came from the bathroom, stopping both of them in their tracks. "Now that right there is why I call you kitten boy, your cheeks are all red again." Even just laughed and nuzzled his nose into Isak's. 

He took a hesitant step away from the beautiful sunshine boy, peering over his shoulder to see what the noise was. A few seconds later a hardly awake drunken boy that Isak had only seen maybe once or twice around school stumbled out of the bathroom and dropped to the floor. 

"Uh-Ouuhhhh. Hey mann. I just took a giannntt shit and your toilet is clogged as hell" and then the unknown boy was passed out on the floor.

Even and Isak both laughed silently until their ribs hurt terribly and they were rolling on the floor, "Oh my god, the clean up of this is going to be fucking monumental."

They had both made their way to the empty guest room and laid carelessly on the old mattress that was laying on the floor. Isak looked over in a half asleep state, all he knows is that in this moment he is completely happy. The perfect honey boy was asleep next to him as Isak reached hesitantly and traced the shape of his button nose. Humming softly to himself. He picked up Even's pinkie and wrapped it around his own, falling into his own deep sleep. 

_And in this minute, Isak had the strength to confront his fears, anger, and failings to know that he was still worthy of love._

 


	4. You are young, and life is long, and you have time to kill today.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RE·FUS·AL  
> rəˈfyo͞ozəl/  
> noun  
> an act or an instance of refusing; the state of being refused.
> 
> Sometimes a man gets carried away,  
> when he feels like he should be having his fun.  
> And much too blind to see the damage he's done,  
> Sometimes a man must awake to find that really, he has no one.  
> So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn 
> 
> About a man who was foolish enough to lose his love. And how he regrets it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (DON'T READ THIS STORY IF TRIGGERED BY RAPE, ALCOHOL, OR OTHER VERY SENSITIVE TOPICS) Hey dudes. I barely ever sleep (Insomnia) so I decided to start writing this chapter at midnight this morning. I don't get too many comments but I am forever grateful for the ones I do get. Thanks for kudos, and for simply reading! I hope you will continue to read. WARNING: Lots of angst, but I promise the fluff will come. And much more so stay tuned my gay loving children. ALSO, I decided to change my writing perspective (as I was writing in the past tense for the past 3 chapters) I am now going to be continuing the story in present tense as I feel it is much easier for readers to follow along with. OH ALSO I CREATED A POETRY ISAK BOY, idk I always thought maybe because he likes deep rap and things like that that maybe he could take a shot at poetry. Idk its a big part of the later story line so keep reading!  
> DISCLAIMER:  
> Any poetry written in this chapter as being "Isak's" is actually my own that I have written for the story. So just know it is not stolen from anyone.

_**SONDAG 10/10/16** _

     

     Isak wakes up, a particularly strong throbbing in his head was refusing to be ignored. He can smell the intense smell of old liquor and weed through the closed door of the guest room.

 _Wait_. Guest room? Why isn't he in his own bed? 

He brings his fingers up to rub the sleep out of his eyes, realizing he's swallowed in a very over-sized swamp green sweater. His gaze begins to fall to the sleeping angel next to him, Even is shirtless, the blankets barely covering his hips. He is so beautiful as he sleeps, yet so unaware of it. Silky strands of golden hair are stuck to his jaw as he breaths steadily, his bare chest rising and falling. Isak wishes he could write a novel about Even's face.

Isak can feel a familiar sensation creep into his gut, and all his blood is rushing straight to his face. Within seconds he can feel a bulge growing in his sweatpants. Taking a deep breath he clenches his jaw tight and closes his eyes, forcing his thoughts to drift from the scenery before him.

Seconds later a sleep-stricken deep voice makes his eyes snap open, "Uh, Isak?" Even laughs. The sound so milky, especially because the sleep can be heard so easily through his voice, reminding Isak of an old-style record player. Honey smooth.

"Huh?" he tries, he really did try to sound as composed as possible. But his noticeable boner was not helping the situation. He pulls his knees to his chest, concealing it with them. 

"Meditating?" Even just smiled cheekily, having no clue of the sexual desire burning within Isak's throat.  

"No, I uh-was just, um, you know." his words gradually getting softer before stopping completely. He's unable to look up at Even, choosing to stare at a spot on the wall instead. For some indescribable reason he is absolutely disgusted with himself, he doesn't like the lack of control that he has when he's around Even. He is used to being with girls, where everything is just pretended. He is great at pretend, you can't mess up an emotion when it is not there. 

Even begins to reach out for Isak's face, trying to cup it in his hands to look Isak in the eyes. "Isak?" he whispers into the empty air.

His brow furrows, continuing to stay trained on the wall. He shrugs away from Even's hands, willing his body to move away. "Stop it." Isak spits out, suddenly snapping up to look at Even. His eyes are red and he can feel his uneven breaths shaking out.

"What's wrong?" Even looks genuinely hurt, and he can't help but shed a tear at the pain in Even's eyes. 

He quickly wipes away the tear, "Nothing, I just don't know what is happening" he knows he has to get up and leave but his erection is telling him otherwise. 

Even says nothing, just looking at Isak with an expressionless face.

He is finally breathing more steadily, as the silence between them stretches. After what feels like minutes he can see Even leaning into him, his lips mere inches away from his.

Isak doesn't know what to do, but he can't do this. He is not ready. He is not okay. Everything he has done his entire life was meant to hide this side of him, the utter truth. When he was younger he could remember sitting in his room and playing with his cousin's dolls and trying on their dresses. He was never afraid. Until he was. People began asking him if he was gay, constantly throwing it at him like it was an insult. Over time as he convinced himself the world hated him, he began to hate himself as well. 

"No!" he let out. Then he is shoving Even's face away as forcefully as he can. "I don't like you, just stop! Just because you are gay doesn't mean you have to try to push that on me. Jesus" his voice is impossibly harsh, spitting everywhere. Isak's head shoots up, the most terrible feeling he has ever experienced flood over him. Did that actually just happen? Suddenly his hands are shaking violently as a sob sputters out

_Oh my god._

Even's is propped up on his elbows, no longer on the mattress but now on the floor next to it. His hand loosely clutching his bleeding nose. The blood is dripping onto the wood floor, creating a small puddle. Isak can hardly see Even's face through the blood and the tears threatening to tumble over the edge of his lashes. But he can see enough, confirming his worst fears. Even is just looking at him, his jaw clenched. The pain in his eyes is so easily read that Isak could have seen it with his eyes closed.

Even doesn't say anything, he just grabs his jacket off the floor and clutches it tightly to his nose. Isak did that to Even. He hurt the art piece before him. This is why they warn you not to touch the art in museums, not because it is expensive. But because you may feel such a deep connection to it that the realization that you can't ever keep it, is practically unbearable.

_And then Even was gone._

"No" the word comes out as a distorted sob, the tears burning down his cheeks like a wildfire. But Even didn't stop, and how could Isak blame him? He had just insulted Even's very being. The only human who had ever touched Isak's heart, and the first boy who had ever touched his lips. His first kiss. Or at least the first one that mattered. 

He was nothing more than a puddle, a reflection of the stagnant pool of Even's blood. 

 

**_ONSDAG 10/13/16_**

_**Isak (10:37 PM, 10/13/16)** _

_-Even?_

_i'm so sorry i am such a fuck up. everything hurts.  i don't know what is wrong with me_

His hands are shaking as he types the messages. He has no clue how to express the essay burning beneath his tongue. He has so many things he wants to say, but nothing comes out right. Nothing ever does. 

Eskild had found him Monday morning after the party, he was still lying on the guest bedroom mattress. He had cried all through Sunday and woke the next morning. No one had woken up until around 1 PM the day before to leave, and Eskild assumed Isak was simply hungover. But it is so much more. He is broken.

Every day during school he hopelessly looks around for Even, but they have no classes together. And Isak never even had the chance to ask him who his teachers were. Or what Even feared. What made him cry? What made him feel a spark of passion in his heart. Isak desperately wants to ask Even everything, to tell him the truth. He wants it to be so real that he can bask in it.

 

_**FREDAG 10/15/16** _

Isak counts every text he sends Even, 42, 43, 44. No response. He isn't expecting any response anyways, he simply misses Even. The very essence of Even's soothing him.  So every day he takes refuge in his bed and cries until the tears stop. 

He no longer knows what to do with himself, it hasn't even been a week yet somehow it feels like an eternity, but more. So he began writing small poems in a red pocket journal. He has never written before, finding it too sensitive and innocent. Yet now he can't stop the pain from spilling onto the paper, and writing them made him feel weak. He isn't sure if the poetry is helping or destroying him, but every day he continues. 

He quickly scribbles the title at the top of the paper, he has given all 73 of his poems so far the same name. A single word.

  _Even_.

 But this one is different, he knows that this time it won't be about Even. He wants to write this one about the root of his issues. So he looks down at his poem titled, _you are a sin_.

As he writes he doesn't think, the words just spill out of his rattling cranium like a violent tsunami.

_"Why didn't you ever come? When I turned 7 and I learned to make a paper airplane._

_You were never there._

_Or when I turned 11 and fell in love with a boy. I ran to tell you, but the drugs had already taken their toll._

_And it wasn't only you they stole. Where did my childhood go?_

_I guess no one will ever fucking know."_

A tear falls onto the pen marks, making them bleed out. He shoves the pocket book back into his jacket. Why can I only speak when I know no one is listening?

 

_**TIRSDAG 10/19/16** _

His pocketbook is nearly full, he is pathetic. Rather than focusing or attempting to talk to others, it takes all his energy to hide how much his hands shake in school. To hide how his breath hitches when someone speaks to him. It has gone beyond just Even, it's now about how every aspect of Isak's life had been a complete and utter disaster. All these years he had hidden it from everyone, even himself. He doesn't want to think about it anymore, so he picks up his pen and scrawls the poem onto the paper, _Even #84_. 

_"You think too much"_

_"You get attached too quickly"_

_"Just get over it."_

_"Don't be sad"_

_Wow, thank you, doctor._

_You've found the cure._

_Scream my flaws to me._

_Now I am pure._

_Reach into the depths of my oh so fucked mind._

_Yank out the poison._

_I know I should let go._

_But it took so much just to let that boy in._

_Or I could just keep manifesting my mind on the thought of his face until I am finally destroyed._

_That sounds like a good plan, I hope this show was well enjoyed._

He thinks it may be the best plan to just burn this book as soon as it is finished, the chance of anyone ever reading it is far to risky. He has written things in this book that even he himself hasn't dared to say out loud. _Ever._

 

**_MONDAG 10/24/16_ **

As Isak lays his messy handwriting onto the last line, of the last page, of his broken heart. He is still thinking of Even. Honey boy. He attempts to draw small bees around the front of the book, failing miserably due to his lack of art skill. This book contains his very existence, the hurting, the loving, and the breaking. He can feel a small sense of pain as he fills the last page, finally.  _Even #101_.

  _Please don't be gone._

_Please don't leave._

_I don't want to be friends. I can't._

_Maybe in a parallel universe, I didn't hurt you. Maybe I never hated myself._

_But in this galaxy. In this planet. Within this being, I need you._

_I can try to tuck it away, But you will always come back._

_Scratching_

_and itching_

_your way back into my mind._

_So please come back physically, because you have stolen half of me._

_And I cannot exist in two places at once._

_At least not in this universe._

He doesn't know what to do, his pages are full. His restraints are back in place. His mind races and he decides to text Even. He has given up on ever receiving an answer. He was the one who had told Even to go away. But now the only thing he ever thinks about is him coming back. Funny how the universe works in that way.

He knows he doesn't have the courage to ever send Even the whole poem, it was far too raw. Too truthful. So instead he settles on the first line. 

_**Isak (** **11:12 PM, 10/19/16)** _

_-Please don't be gone._

 

 

_**FREDAG 10/28/16** _

****

**** It has been exactly 18 days and 1,555,200 seconds since he has last spoken to Even.

His life has become the same monotonous cycle as it had always been prior to Even's sudden appearance. Isak goes to school, pretends he is fine, goes home, goes to sleep, wakes up, and repeats it all over again the next day. Even hasn't texted Isak, hasn't called, and as Isak thinks more about it, it seems Even has been ignoring Isak's very existence. Everytime Isak catches a glimpse of him in school, Even simply continues talking. It makes Isak feel more invisible than ever. 

Why is he such a failure? He couldn't even stop his own head from spinning. Isak had picked up the phone approximately 247 times in the past 18 days, intending to call Even and tell him how truly sorry he is, and that everything he had felt with Even was real. The only real he had ever felt before. 

But approximately 247 times he failed, why would Even even want to hear from him? He probably thinks of Isak as nothing more than a homophobic asshole who he had the burden of kissing that one time, on that one night, at that one party. 

Isak's friends noticed the change as well, they won't stop pestering him with "what is your issue dude". Even Emma had quickly forgiven him and asked what was wrong. He never told her, in fact, he avoids her altogether. He feels guilty for not being able to tell his friends though, but at this point, he hasn't really said much at all. 

For 18 days.

If he has to guess he would say he has spoken roughly 2 full sentences at lunch, a few words to his roommates, and maybe the equivalent of a children's book amount of words to his friends. He isn't sleeping, because every time he lays in bed, the oblivion strikes him like a freight train at full speed. His thoughts never stop racing, and time has taken on a completely different form. Time felt so plentiful that the previous night he had swallowed 4 pills from an unlabeled bottle of Linn's depression medication.

For some reason it was all so strange to him, he had felt relatively miserable before having the privilege to meet Even. But it was very dull, similar to the ringing in someone's ear. It was always there but he had gotten used to it as a background noise. Yet now it was different. He can only explain it as one word, _heavy._

He had been called every name in the book of gay slurs in his youth, to the point that he had been so afraid to look in the mirror. He was so afraid for these words to be confirmed true. So instead of proving them right, he began to desire the normality, he craved the pure heterosexuality of being classified as "average". So that's what he became.  Yet every time he looked in the mirror, he could never tell who was staring back.

And now, he hates it. He hates what the past has done to him. He hates hurting someone he needs for the sake of others' validations. 

**_And he was done._ **

Eskild had told him multiple times about the story of finding Isak at a gay nightclub in the early hours of the morning on a fateful night, when Isak's parents had abandoned him and Eskild took him in. And countless other stories of Eskild's gay bar adventures and Isak hadn't ever been in one. Or at least any times that he could actually remember. He quickly clicks on his phone, the time flashing "11:37 PM", he had come home directly after school and denied his friends party invitation. 

He turns on his phone, his finger tapping the Google search button without hesitation. "Gay bars in Oslo" he types quickly, he doesn't want to feel afraid in this minute.

The closest bar is only a 5-minute walk from the apartment. Without thinking he goes to the chat with Even. Still no messages. He pushes off of his bed, feeling dizzy from the pure lack of mobility he's had for the past weeks. 

He shoves through his closet, looking for something that is even slightly presentable. " _It's a club, not a fucking wedding_ " he mutters to himself. He finally decides on a gray shirt and black skinny jeans. The shirt fits him well, hugging his figure. 

As he turns he spots a flash of green tucked beneath his dresser, he leans down cautiously. _It's the sweater_. The first thing he can do is smell it, he pushes his nose deep into the sweater as if it's his last lifeline. It smells of Even, of the sun, of honey. 

He shoves it over his head, pushing his arms through. The sweater is slightly too long for him, the arms a bit long as well. 

His hair is messy, blonde curls around the edges. Climbing in towards his face, delicately touching his cheeks. He looks like a soft blonde prince.

He walks out the door of his room, Eskild and Linn are sitting on the couch. They are watching one of their usual lame Real Housewives shows. "Wow, are you actually leaving your room?" Eskild cheerily asks. "Yes" is all Isak says, smiling a bit around the edges. "Alright, be safe. We love you" Eskild smiles, turning back to his show. Linn offers a small wave and smile. 

"Okay" and then he's out the door.

He checks down at his phone screen, it is nearly midnight. Siri tells him to take the next left and walk for 4 blocks and he should be at 'Rosko Oslo', one of the most popular gay fetish clubs in all of Oslo.

Minutes later he is pushing through the doors. The smell of sweat and alcohol immediately burns his nostrils. Although rather than the smell turning him away, it lures him further in. Maybe it is the lack of sleep, or Linn's pills, but he feels like he is on a high.

 The men around him are of all different ages, heights, and looks. Yet Isak feels at home, they are all unafraid. They are all themselves. Isak wants to bathe in the freedom. He walks to the nearest bartender, "Uh-Vodka please" he says as confidently as possible. He knows they won't try to ID him, it is far too late for that. Eskild has always told him that around midnight the clubs get packed, and rules practically fly out the window. 

The bartender shoots him a flirty glance, seductively licking his lips as he pours the vodka into an excessively large glass. "No charge for you baby," the man says in a deep, alluring voice. Isak just smiles in return, if he had known that he could get free drinks he would have gone to a gay club much earlier. He begins to sweat as the first sip of the burning alcohol lurches down his throat, forcing it down. He's ready to get completely hammered. Ready to forget. Isak peels off the sweater, tying it loosely around his waist. 

Another man comes up behind him, running his large hands over Isak's shoulder. "Hello there angel" the voice booms from next to him. The man is taller than Isak, not Even tall but not bad either. His skin is slightly tan, with milky dark chocolate eyes. His dark hair is messy, and while Isak knows he has nothing compared to Even. He has to admit, the man is attractive.

"Hi" is all Isak can manage to say back. The unnamed man rubs his fingers over Isak's neck, the touch is so warm he practically melts beneath it. He has been so alone.

"May I just say, you are insanely sexy. I love the hair" the compliments spew out of the man like a fountain. "What's your name?" he asks. "Uh-Adrian Eksett" Isak lies, while this man may be attractive. He can't risk him finding out Isak is only 17. "Well Adrian, I am Luka. Wanna dance pretty boy?" he doesn't wait for a response from Isak, he just drags him onto the sweaty dance floor. There are people pressed against Isak on all sides, men wearing nearly no clothes. Isak looks around, taking in his surroundings, in all honesty, it is a bit overwhelming. The men, the must, the urgency, the want. He wishes Even could be here with him, dancing with him instead. 

Before Isak can get out of his own thoughts, Luka's lips are pressed forcefully against his. The man is grinding his groin into Isak's, his eyes go dark. Luka's groin is hard, like. Very hard. Isak lurches away, he can't help but feel extremely uncomfortable. "I will uh- be right back, okay?" he makes his way to the bathroom. As Isak walks in he evaluates himself in the mirror, his face is very flushed. He pulls out his phone, opening Even's chat.

_**Isak (12:25 AM, 10/29/16)** _

_-Dear Even, I am sorry. I see you, I do. I hope you see me too, I am sorry if you can see the pain in my eyes. It's been there all my life, trapped within confusion. But when I look into your eyes, I see love. The love you could have given to me if I hadn't pushed you away. In the moments you kissed me, I saw it within my own eyes too, it's still there. And one day I hope to set it free. I am doing something tonight. I can't tell if it is bad yet, but my mind is fucked. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I am not perfect, yet I need you. I know what love means Even. I just have never had the chance. If I could stop my own head from spinning maybe I would be able to prove it. I am sorry for anything I may do tonight, you don't have to text me back. You don't owe me anything._

_Miss you._

For some reason he feels dizzy, and it is not in the usual way. He feels sick, like he has just taken drugs. Had he drank the whole vodka? He can't even remember at this point. He walks out of the bathroom, slipping his phone back into his pocket. Luka is standing outside of the door, he immediately yanks Isak into his arms, making out with his face. There is no love, just roughness.

He is being tugged out into the main dance area, he can vaguely feel his groin being cupped. But his vision is blurry, small circles of light floating around the room. "How is that pill baby?" Luka murmurs into Isak's hair. "What? I-you can't, I am not allowed. Plea-" and then Luka's fingers are pressed to his lips, forcing his words to cease. "Stop talking. I can think of better things you could be doing with that pretty little mouth of yours angel" Luka is running his thumb over Isak's abdomen. Isak's phone begins buzzing violently in his back pocket. 

"Let me get you another drink" Luka whispers harshly, walking over to the bartender again. Isak knows he cannot walk, afraid if he tries to take one step he will fall flat on his face. He had been leaning into Luka as a stabilizer. His mind is louder than it has ever been, screaming at him. _Luka had put drugs in his drink._

He knows he doesn't have much time before Luka is back, clumsily trying to find his back pocket. Clicking on his phone.

_**Even (12:28 AM, 10/29/16)** _

_-Isak? Where are you? What's wrong?_

_-Hello_

**_Even (12:32 AM, 10/29/16)_ **

_-I have called like 12 times please pick up I am worried._

_-Isak where are you I don't care about what happened, I need you to be okay._

_-ISAK seriously answer the damn phone_

**_Even (12:36 AM, 10/29/16)_ **

_-FUCK_

His fingers tremble, all the letters on his keyboard are mushing together into an alphabet soup. He tries with all his effort to type a legible sentence, not bothering to reread it or make sure it makes sense. 

**Isak (12:37 AM, 10/29/16)**

_-club_

_-luka in drink dru_

_g_

_-sorr,. he comi_

_**Even (12:37 AM, 10/29/16)** _

_-what? Isak you aren't making any sense. are you okay? I will come get you please just say something clear._

Then Luka is making his way back over, two large glasses of whiskey in his hands. Time is running out. He knows Luka can't see him yet through the crowd.  He thinks as hard as possible. _Come on Isak, make sense_! He screams inside his mind.

_**Isak (12:37 AM, 10/29/16)** _

_-rosko_

He hopes by saying the name of the club it will somehow convey what he's trying to say. He is able to slip his phone discreetly into his pocket just as Luka walks over, using his hands to wrap them around the back of Isak's neck. He is stroking the nape of Isak's neck, wrapping his fingers and tugging at the base of his hair. Then suddenly pulling, forcing Isak's neck to tip back. He pours the entire contents of the cup into Isak's mouth. 

Isak is coughing, his entire body trying to force the liquid from his screaming gut. But it won't come out. Luka's hand is pinching Isak's nose shut, forcing him to swallow it down in a chug. No one around them notices, they are either too entranced by the loud bass that is pumping from several speakers scattered about the room. Or too far gone themselves. The alcohol is burning his lungs, seeping further into his blood with every passing second. 

Luka pulls him down into the large lounge chairs, smoke curling around their faces from the large masses of marijuana being smoked. _I love you._ Luka whispers only as his hands slip down the waistband of Isak's jeans. He is rubbing Isak's length, plowing into his boxers. Isak is mostly shocked, he doesn't like it. It feels like rubber against an open wound. He is searching Isak's face for any sign of reaction but all he receives are nearly closing eyes as the drugs settle deeper, into his center of gravity, into his world. His thighs are being pried open, cheeks burning red and his breathing is coming out in short, cropped breaths. His body is being touched by the wrong person, he is simply lying still. 

_And then he is out._

He can't remember a single thing after that. When he wakes he is laying in Even's bed. It is nearly 2 AM.

 


	5. Eccedentesiast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Living out loud  
> (lih-v-ing/ow-t/low-d)  
> -Saying what is on your mind, regardless of consequences.  
> -Live today as it's your last day, never regret the past, don't worry about future.  
> -Live without others permission.
> 
> Ex: Even decided a long time ago that he was going to live out loud, in the present. Live boldly, obtrusively, without regrets. Isak wishes he could do the same.
> 
> I am terrified that I am living my life inadequately. It's irrational, I am aware. Yet there is so much that this world has to bestow.  
> Humans were not made to fit into a perfect silhouette shaped box, we are not dough. A putty for society to kneed.  
> Stop shaping the soul.  
> Stop attempting to shove our form into a mold, losing ourselves as we grow old.  
> Don't settle for normal, don't crave the uniformity of an average life.
> 
> Eccedentesiast: Someone who fakes a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my dudes, I am hoping today's chapter can be a bit of bonding, as well as some much-needed information about Isak's childhood. As well as clearing a bit of the air. Not a huge angst but mostly just extremely sad, but happy at the same time. Nothing bad though. I cried so much while writing this because I incorporated flashbacks to Isak's childhood and I really poured my soul into it. I am only 14 and nowhere near a professional writer but I tried my best and I think the fact that it made me cry is a good sign because writing is supposed to make you feel something. Either way, this is a slow-burning fanfiction because I don't want to stray from my concept. Thanks for reading and please comment!!!!!! I love comments so much and always reply to them, also don't forget to bookmark to know whenever I update, sorry if the wait was relatively long for this one, it was hard to write and I have been so stressed about school. ALSO!!!!! I AM TAKING PROMPTS TO FEEL FREE TO COMMENT SOME, OR MESSAGE ME! I can write short stories about different situations you want to have written out between Isak and Even! So yep sorry if this is long, ENJOY! <3

* * *

_**2010** _

_**The first boy Isak ever loved** was named Jakob. He had shiny auburn hair that laid ever so softly onto the boy's tanned skin. He was in Isak's 4th-grade class and they sat directly across from each other. At the time he had no clue of what the feeling was, all he knew was that sometimes he would get a "funny feeling in his belly" whenever the boy would make eye contact with him._

_At the time he was just being himself, he knew what a crush was. All his peers had begun talking about the pretty girls and the "cooties" phase was just about over. He would let his eyes linger on the small orange freckles that paraded Jakob's face. Especially when the light would filter through Mrs.Førsel's window and dance upon the boy's cheekbones. Sometimes he would just prop his elbows on the table and cup his face in his hands, a small smile creeping onto his face as he breathed happily, exploring his first taste of male's features._

_Over time he had become quite good friends with the boy, they always chose each other for projects, and Isak had even built up the courage to talk to him during recess. He had no shame, he was unaware that being himself was wrong at the time. So he was open, he was alive._

_One day he walked up to the boy during recess, twiddling his thumbs nervously as he had always seemed to do around Jakob. He couldn't control it, he had such a desire to be near the boy, just to make him smile and laugh. It had been such an innocent feeling, nothing sexual or even possibly malicious._

_But what Isak didn't know was that while his feelings were anything but platonic, he was unaware that feelings were not always reciprocated in the same way._

_Isak had been invited to Jakob's birthday party, near the middle of 5th grade, Jakob had decided they were "best friends for life". Isak had asked his father about how to tell someone that you have a "crush" on them, of course, his father immediately had assumed he was speaking of a female peer at the time._

_His father had told him that a nice way to tell a girl how you feel was to make them a letter and make sure it's sincere. His father had also briefly skimmed the topic of dating, but he didn't go too much into depth as it was possible Isak was not at that stage yet._

_But Isak had already known what dating was, a classmate named Bjørn never stopped bragging about his girlfriend, and everyone ran out into the courtyard to watch every time a couple had their first kiss. Of course, Isak was vaguely aware that all these couples were male and female, but at the time it hadn't registered as anything in his mind that meant he was at fault. He simply thought that whenever you love someone you tell them. No rules._

_So on that day at the party they had all been running around the bouncy house, jumping and wearing themselves out in the blazing summer heat. Isak can still remember how pretty he thought Jakob looked after he had been jumping, the sweat turning his skin a bronze tone. Someone from inside the house called "Boys, time for cake!" and all the others immediately fled._

_But Isak stood still, his face going beet red. He couldn't stop staring at Jakob, he wanted to ask him now, he felt it was the right time. They had known each other for a year and always played together, so what could have possibly gone wrong?_

_"Uhm-Jakob?" his voice had come out a bit high pitched, the butterflies in his stomach fluttered fiercely._

_"Yep?" the bronze boy said giddily._

_"I have something for you. But don't read it until later okay? It's a surprise" he truly hoped Jakob would like the card, he worked on it for what felt like hours. It was a small, hand-made folded card with a small message on the inside._

_"Hi Jakob, I hope you have a great birthday! I want to tell you that I think you are really pretty and maybe we can kiss? Well, I think you are funny and a good friend, I am glad you talk to me. Happy 10th birthday! Also, I hope you like the decorations, I put stripes and tigers on the card because you told me you like them. Bye, from Isak Valtersen" he had used small felt tip markers that he stole from the classroom art supplies to draw blue and yellow stripes all over the card, trying his hardest to draw a tiger. He was no artist but once his work had been finished he couldn't help but feel proud, and he even thought his small, meaningful message was quite well done._

_"Is it a present? Bring it inside so I can put it in my room!" Jakob's eyes had lit up at the prospect of more gifts._

_"Well, it's a card but I will go get it. My backpack is in the car" he had begun running around from the backyard of the house toward the front, into the driveway. Before he could reach the car door handle, his mom was behind him._

_She grabbed his wrist furiously, pushing her fingers deep into his skin. "What the hell is this?" she yelled, holding Isak's card into the air._

_"Mama, please don't mess it up it's for Jakob!" he let out a small cry, not wanting all his hard work to be ruined._

_"No! We are leaving immediately and you are never speaking to this Jakob boy ever again. Do you understand me?" she dragged him into the car, thrusting him into the backseat._

_The entire car ride home had been spent with his mother screaming obscenities at him, permanently scarring him from ever feeling this way again. She continued to make sure he realized that he was forbidden to feel this way about another boy again, it was against the bible to be attracted to males. She made sure he knew._

_The next day he didn't go to school, or the next. He had small bruises over his wrists and couldn't seem to stop crying. His father had come in and attempted to reconcile Isak, stroking his hair softly, whispering "it's not your fault angel, she's lost" into his ear. But Isak was no longer listening, she had done her damage._

_He did as he was told and never spoke to Jakob again, his mother had immediately emailed his school and promptly asked for a new teacher the day following the incident. He just wished he could have said goodbye to Jakob, what scared Isak the most in his youth was that the feeling never left. The same juvenile way he stared at boys and watched them carefully through his eyelashes, no matter the beatings he had received. The feeling had never ceased in the way his mother had attempted to force it to._

_Never._

* * *

**_LØRDAG 10/29/16_ **

 

              He can feel strong hands gripping his shoulders, gently pushing them. "Isak" the voice sounds far away, "you're dreaming" the voice was nice, inviting. Then he's awake. Even is next to him, on a small loft bed. Isak hadn't been in Even's room prior but he assumes this is it. "Sorry" he mumbles, he has been plagued with nightmares ever since he was a small child. 

"Are you okay?" Even asks, looking absolutely wrecked, his eyes are puffy and it looks as if he hasn't slept a single wink. "I-I'm okay" for some reason his voice sounds so small, he clears it quietly. He sits up, scooting himself closer to Even. As he pulls himself up, he looks down, quickly realizing that he is no longer wearing his own clothes. He is still wearing Even's large green sweater but his pants are changed, a pair of black cotton shorts replacing his skinny jeans. 

As if Even can sense the rising question in Isak's throat he speaks up first, "Oh-I had to change your clothes. You-you uh, started to throw up as soon as we got into the taxi. How much did you drink Isak? Once it started you just kept crying and throwing up. I tried to get you into the shower but you just laid down on the floor. I didn't know who to call so I tried to clean off as much as I could, mostly letting the water run off the vomit. After that, you pretty much just passed out in the shower. I got you-uh dressed, and you fell asleep" Even's voice is so soft as he speaks, almost irritatingly smooth. He's speaking as if Isak is going to break at any moment, turn into a crying mess. And maybe he is, honestly, the drugs are still heavy in his system. His thoughts are nowhere near-compiled, and last night may have been one of the worst of Isak's entire life. Although there is quite a bit of competition for "worst night of Isak's life".

"Thanks Even, for everything" he doesn't want to cry anymore, especially since he must have embarrassed himself enough the previous night. But Even is so kind, he is so sweet, he took care of Isak as he was vomiting most likely all over the taxi and onto him as well. "What time is it?" Isak asks, he can't help but notice it is still dark outside, but it feels oddly like morning. 

"About 4 in the morning" 

"Shit, I am sorry. I am such a mess, fucking vomiting all over your car and waking you up at 4 in the morning. I really didn't mean for last night to go the way it did. I-I just-I don't know. Sometimes I think I can do something and then I just-I can't" the self-consciousness is so easily heard in Isak's voice, as it trembles softly with every unsure word.

"That's not true Isak. I may not know you very well, and I get that you don't like me in the way I had thought. And I didn't mean to push anything onto you. But you're not a mess, you can't always say shit like that. You have to live your life Isak" and in this moment Isak wanted nothing more than to kiss this beautiful boy again. He was so insanely grand, he said all the words Isak was so afraid of. They all rolled off of Even's tongue as if he said them every day.

"I promised myself that once I moved here with my family I was going to live my life in whichever way feels right. Because at my old school I had seen so many others be dragged down by the world or by others. I knew right away I didn't want that, I want to live loudly, obtrusively, and without anyone else's permission. Because you don't need permission to be yourself Isak, you are a fucking worthy human being" Even spoke confidently, but kept a safe distance away from Isak the entire time. 

A terrifying thought suddenly hit Isak, _what if it really was too late?_   What if he had already scared Even off enough and Even now wanted nothing more than a platonic relationship? 

"That's fucking beautiful" is all Isak can muster, his brain still slop. He lays his head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. It is spinning ever so slightly, but he knows exactly what he wants to do as though it is clearer than day. 

"I'm still sorry I threw up, that guy-" he stops as he tries to recall his name but it isn't seeming to come back to his garbled memory "he-he put drugs in my drink and shit just got out of hand. I wasn't even aware of it, I just laid there" the memories came back quickly, forcing Isak to stop talking as the vivid thoughts reeled at him.

"Do you want to know what happened?" Even has a strange expression on his face, one that Isak thinks looks slightly pained. Hurt by this memory. 

Isak just nods, trying his best to keep from leaning into the boy and cradling his soft chest. He wants to curl next to him and place his pulsing cheek against the boy's side.

"He fucking used you Isak, he took advantage of you and I wasn't there to help. I shouldn't have left after the party 2 weeks ago. What you said did hurt me but it was mostly about you, I could tell you were hurting but wouldn't open up. I didn't want to make you think that I was trying to make you do anything. I stayed away because it was your decision and I didn't mean to make you think I was trying to force you into kissing me. But then he truly was forcing you to do something and I couldn't keep my hands off his fucking face I just kept punching him and you were laying on the couch. I couldn't even tell if you were breathing and when the motherfucker finally left you were just hyperventilating, and I-I couldn't do anything but hold you"  Isak's eyes grow as Even speaks, he knows some shit had gone down but he had no clue of the extent. All he could really remember prior was that Luka had put drugs in his drink and then he was touching Isak. Then it was all black.

His eyes drift down slowly to Even's knuckles, they are blood red, littered with bruises. His bottom lip is trembling violently and Isak hasn't seen him like this before. So vulnerable, Isak is usually the one in this position. Seeing Even so pained, so sad. He stops rambling and looks up from the bed, eyes not quite meeting with Isak's.

"Even" Isak wants his attention, he wants Even to know that he is,  _He is gay_. And he does want this. But for some reason Even won't look at him, he won't meet Isak's eyes. "Even, look at me" but he still doesn't, he simply clenches his jaw. It causes his facial bones to jut out in the way that always made Isak drip with lust, his face is so _godly_.

It takes Isak a moment to realize what Even is doing. He is testing Isak. Isak had told him weeks ago at the party to not kiss him, saying he didn't want it. So Even is using it now as a tactic. _Show me how badly you want this._ So Even continued to keep his distance, even going as far as moving himself away from Isak. He scoots towards the opposite end of the small bed, laying down so his feet are next to Isak's head and Isak's feet are next to his head. 

Once he is laying down the silence continues to stretch, Isak allows himself to live inside his head for a moment. There are so many things Isak would absolutely love to do right now, it's almost overwhelming. It has been so long since the last time he actually wanted someone, wanting their scent, taste, words, wanting every essence of Even's being to engulf him. He would love to whisper to Even about how much he wanted Even's fingers on his neck even before they ever officially met. He wants to tell Even about how he wrote 100+ poems for him, spent nights awake thinking about the perfect words to paint his feelings for Even. To tell him about how every drop of alcohol he buried himself in the night before was for him, to forget. To tell him that it's not his fault Isak is a mess, Isak's lack for words and actions has no reflection on his emotions though. He knows what love is. _He just needs to show it._

In this moment Isak decides it is his turn to make the decision.

He pushes his elbows off the bed, pushing himself up until he is sitting. His heart is pounding within his ears. This is it. He stops for a moment, this is the crucial decision he has been avoiding all his life. Kiss Even now, or hide for the rest of eternity? It seems like that question should be extremely obvious, but he is legitimately struggling. When someone has been so suppressed, nothing is easy.

 With one final look at Even he is able to decide it is now or never. Even is so calm, his eyes closed, long soot-black lashes brushing onto the apples of his rounded cheeks. He crawls a few feet towards Even, not quite sure exactly what his plan is. _No plan. Just go for it._

But just as he is nearly hovering over Even he can't seem to do it, he can't build up the courage. A large lump is stuck in his throat and he feels as though he may throw up again, Even's eyes are still gracefully shut. The real life angel before him is too beautiful, he doesn't deserve a mess like Isak to come waltzing in and ruining everything. 

A sob catches in his throat as he stops leaning in towards Even and falls back against the wall. His head hits the wall with a small thud and Even's eyes flicker open. He is trying his best to breath, this is really not the best time for a panic attack. But it is hard for Isak to control them, they are a result of the anxiety he developed over his childhood. Sometimes when he gets too scared, his emotions get caught somewhere between his stomach and his throat until he can no longer breath. 

He can hardly hear his breaths coming out in short gasps over the loud blood thudding in his ears. "Isak, it's okay" Even is now close to him. _Mission accomplished_. He is sitting directly next to Isak, thighs pressed together. He brings his hands up and brushes the falling hair out of Isak's face.

"It's not oka-" another deep breath. "Why can't I do anything. I want to Even. I really do. But my fucking brain is fried, my mom ruined me" small tears drip onto the bed sheet and Even turns to him softly, brushing them off of Isak's face with his thumb. 

"What did your mom do?" Even asks quietly, no sign of judgment anywhere on his beautiful face. He simply looks concerned.

"She used to hit me. Or just yell at me until she passed out. She couldn't even control it, the world fucked her over as well" his words are nearly a whisper now. He has never told anyone about her cruel abuse until now, she had programmed him to believe he is was the issue.

Even's eyes go completely soft, the black iris melting into the icy blue. "You're beautiful Isak, and anything your mom ever said is absolute bullshit. Okay? You are perfect and I really wish you would kiss me so I can stop thinking you're rejecting me." Isak opens his mouth to speak, he knows now that kissing Even is all he wants, all he needs. But before he can say anything Even interrupts, "But-if you don't that's okay. Just know whatever you want is okay, more than okay. I don't care about taking things fast, I am completely fine just with laying here with you. Talking for as long as you want, as long as it's with you. Until the end of time. Okay?" and Isak can feel with every reverberating word that Even is speaking the truth. 

His lips are the only thing he is aware of, Even's on his. He pulled himself on top of Even, cradling the taller boys neck. His hands immediately settled on carding through the longer strands of hair that sit just at the nape of Even's neck. He leans down and pushes his nose into the crook of Even's warm neck, resting his forehead on his collar bone. "okay," he whispers.

He decides right then and there that kissing Even is revolutionary. It's so real, and he knows they kissed before, but this one might as well have been the first one. It's the first one where Isak allowed it, in this moment he has come to peace with himself. He's going to soak this feeling for as long as Even will allow it to stay. 

Even just continues to breathe softly, and Isak can feel his smile being pressed against his hair. Kissing boys was something he knew he always wanted, but kissing Even was different. It was more than he ever expected, it was a pang of electricity. He just wants the feeling again, and again, and again so he's kissing all over Even. Pressing lasting kisses to his neck and nuzzling their noses together. Even is mostly letting Isak take the lead, but he is letting out small hums of gratitude and fluttering his eyelashes on Isak's face, smiling the entire time.  

In this moment life is everywhere. It's unappreciated, chaotic, beautiful, progressing, complicated, unfinished, paradox, relentless, and reckless. _**But above all life is happening, and it's worthwhile.**_

He can't control himself, Even's lips taste of life. He is all colors, red, blue, green, yellow, splashes of memories written over his tongue. Isak can remember the soft burning smell of cinnamon in the house he used to live in, before it all went to hell. He can recognize the faint sensation of his father's fingers curling around his own as his mother smiles in the soft light of the sunset, running in his mama's garden, learning to ride his bike under the heat of the summer sun, his mother's smile watching him beneath the night sky.

His breath hitches, he hadn't been able to remember those good days for as long as he can remember. It was always bad. But Even's lips remind him that they weren't always. There had been a time when his mother didn't scream, his father's eyes weren't laden with bags, his house hadn't been unkept and dark. There had been light, soft glows, laughter.

_It's intoxicating. Even is intoxicating._

He won't stop. He can't stop. He's reaching for more, latching on to any part of Even his fumbling hands can grab, kissing everywhere. Because he's the small child begging for his parent's hands, basking in the attention. 

"Isa-" Even whispers, his words hardly audible over their breaths. Isak doesn't register the voice, whether it's the drugs in his system or the nostalgia, He cannot take control. He's pushing Even down, hitching his shirt up to run his finger over the cool, toned skin. 

"Isak, we can't. You're stil-" but he keeps going, wrapping his fingers over the band of Even's sweatpants, tempting. Even lets out a soft, muffled moan before gently reaching down to grab Isak's wrists. "Please Isak, I don't want anything to happen while you're still like this, still drugged up. I don't want you to do anything you may regret" his words are so soft, so loving. Another pang of nostalgia hits him. 

 _Isak, run down and grab your_ _brother's coat for me, darling._

* * *

 

_He remembers it all. They're simply buried, under tears, and years of new memories. An attempt to replace the old, no matter whether they were good or bad._

_His mother, standing by the stove, her shoulders slightly worn from the day. Out in the garden, tending to the blooming flowers. Her hands stained with dirt, his father's warm arm wrapping around her shoulders lovingly._

_"The garden looks beautiful Marianne, don't work so hard baby" he would whisper, thinking Isak wouldn't hear. But he always did._

_The smiles they shared under the warm glow of sunset streaming through their kitchen window. Speaking of anything, joking, babbling on about nonsense. His father complimenting his mother's cooking no matter how it tasted._

_And then his mother would smile so wide, as if her entire mouth could swallow her cheeks whole. They would dance together, to the crackling sound of their small radio cranking out slow tunes as the sun went down. Isak in the middle of them, wrapping his small hands around their fingers. Gathering the plates into the sink, his father's hands on her hips, swaying as she scrubbed the dishes happily._

_The three of them curling into Isak's small bed, his blue and yellow striped comforter. Picking any book Isak wanted, reading together every night until his small eyelids fluttered shut and they left. Always cracking the door open slightly just enough that Isak could see them kissing softly in the dim-lit hallway. Making their way into the bedroom they shared, holding each other until the next morning only to repeat the routine._

_Then Oskar was born._

_He was 4 years younger than Isak. He had been born on one warm summer, as the sun burned orange and his father raced them to the hospital. They had been preparing for months, his mother had a certain glow to her. She looked positively radiant, her bulging belly a reminder of life._

_He had been born a week early, a quirky boy since day one. From the moment he was born everyone loved him, including Isak. He had been the first person to hold him after his mother, the blonde baby smiled at him immediately before being whisked away by doctors._

_They all went home together and he sat on the carpet by the fireplace, watching tears roll down his mother's eyes as she held the small being. Always smiling._

_As long as Oskar smiled, his mama smiled, so therefore his father did as well, positivity radiating around Isak at all times._

_This continued until Oskar turned three, celebrating his birthday in the warm green grass, growing happier with every birthday. He was the epitome of a summer baby, he was the sun. Contagious joy. And they made a perfect family, Oskar slept with Isak in their shared room, growing together._

_5,4,3,2,1..ready or not here I come!_

_Oskar's smile pressed against his own as the white sheet laid over their golden hair, Isak now 8 and his brother 4. Trying their best not to giggle as their parents stomped around the room, pretending not to see the boys. Oskar hugged him and whispered "Love you Issy" with his largest smile. He hardly had his 2 front teeth in, freckles covering his chubby cheeks._

_"Love you too Oskar" Isak would kiss his younger brother's cheek just as his parent's lifted up the weightless sheet. "We found you two!" they all laughed, both parents falling to the floor pulling one of the boys into a tight hug._

_Time was endless back then, bounding and nearly overflowing with happiness. His parent's never seemed to age, only small lines forming around their eyes and mouths from excessive smiles. His mother relinquished her job to care for the boys full time. And the second his father got home it was always them, together. Loving each other within the small confines of their humble home, with eggshell colored walls, and the miniature potted plants his mother loved to cover the windowsills with. The luscious green garden, screaming with exaggerated colors, flowers curling up the windows._

_The day they found out Oskar was sick everything went still, the rushing rivers suddenly stopping, coming to a halt._

_He had been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer, Isak's young brain was never able to comprehend the fact that his little sunshine had a small mass within his skull that was slowly killing him. The laughter slowed. But Oskar's smile never did. Never. Not even as they sat together in the waiting room under the harsh hospital lights, reflecting off the small boy's bald head. Isak's hand wrapped as tightly as possible around Oskar's frail fingers. He believed that by holding onto his body it would somehow allow him to stay longer._

_He could hear the sobs of his mother echoing down the long corridor as the doctor solemnly said "Marianne and Tarje, you son only has months. I am so sorry, we tried everything"_

_Isak cringed under the loud, grotesque noises, but he never allowed it to show. Oskar just swung his feet in the air, his legs far too short to reach the floor. He never allowed it to show because he would rather die than to see the boy next to him's smile ever fade. He slept next to Oskar every night, hugging the boy's tiny torso beneath his arms. He never wanted to admit it but he refrained from sleeping because he couldn't stop checking for the rising and falling of Oskar's chest._

_His parents tried their very best to keep the sunlight, they tried to dance, and play outside together. It was important to make sure that Oskar would smile until his last breath. Although it was hard, the hospital bills, the lack of hair where Oskar's summer colored hair used to lay, they succeeded. They smiled, and laughed, hiding the tears that rolled out deep at night when they thought no one could hear the drops splashing to the ground, staining their hearts._

_The small boy took his last breath beneath Isak's arms, his blue eyes shining into the night as his tiny ribs ceased to fall. He had survived past his expected time, experiencing his 5th birthday beneath the summer sun as he did every year. The smile. That damn smile, plastered on his face as soft giggles rolled out. His soft curls began to grow back out after they quit chemo, realizing it was doing no good and only making Oskar weaker._

_He pointed to the clouds, whispering to Isak "Issy, that one is a turtle" he always had a lisp, his front teeth never having the chance to grow in fully so his S's had made a "th" sound. His parents enjoyed the cake, making small talk, his mother's hand placed on his father's knee softly. So gently._

_As Oskar shuttered out his last breath, Isak was deep in sleep, dreaming of a life where Oskar never lost his hair, and sunshine boys never had to get sick. Smiling for all eternity. But that was never the reality, because Oskar had died. He couldn't come back, and when Isak woke he knew._

_He could feel it. A piece of him was gone, taken to the grave along with his baby brother's body. He tried to remind himself every day that there was never sadness to Oskar, and in Isak's youth, he pictured Oskar's eyes closing, his last blink, his last thought, his last breath. Always picturing it with Oskar having a small smile, because it was only natural. That's the only way he could ever see him._

_So they buried his body in a small cemetery near their once sun-lit home. His parents cried. He cried. Because Oskar's body was no longer with him, no longer in his arms every night, hugging Isak under the weightless white sheet as their parents stomped around._

_His first word was Issy._

* * *

 

"I-I'm sorry. Was it not-am I not good?" he tried not to sound so needy but god, he failed. All he wanted was warmth, home. But maybe he had gone too far, making Even uncomfortable. He knows the drugs are still in his system but he doesn't think they are affecting his judgment that much. Or maybe they are, he can't really tell. 

"No Isak, you're amazing. You're perfect, I just don't think it would be right on my part to have you when you're under the influence of drugs, your judgment may not be clear. I just really want to make sure everything you're doing is something you want." and Isak's heart melts at that. Even just cares so much, to such extremes that he won't allow Isak to take anything too far while he's like this. A fire lights within his sternum, where his heart is placed. Knowing that someone this alive, this radiant cares for him. Isak hadn't met anyone this lovely, this willing to give the entire contents of their heart to another being since 8 years before, the day his baby brother was born. He drops back to the bed, clutching Even's hand. 

"I swear, Even-I wouldn't regret anything. The drugs may be there, but so are you. And I would never regret anything about that. You're you, and I am fucked up right now. And in the morning when I wake up I will be sober, but you will still be you." he can't help it, everything he's saying is raw. The memories of love. Brings back something in him that he thought had laid to rest along with Oskar. 

"Fuck, Isak" Even whispers directly into his neck, laying a kiss on the sensitive skin behind his ear. Isak smiles, loving the idea that he can cloud Even's judgment, make him break his own rule. But as if he suddenly remembers his own words he slowly pulls away. Nestling himself into the bed, Isak presses himself against Even's body. Soaking up every ounce of warmth. 

"Go back to sleep you fucking beautiful thing" Even mumbles, his eyes heavy-lidded, half shut. Isak doesn't say anything back but he knows Even can feel what he's saying.

_Thank you for saving me._

 

 


	6. Drowning skies, pool eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crazy? What's that supposed to be about, baby?
> 
> Oblivion:  
> /əˈblivēən/  
> 1\. The state of being unaware of what is happening around you.  
> 2.The state of being completely forgotten or unknown.
> 
> You are the strangest person I have ever met, behind myself of course.  
> There is a deep-rooted part of our souls that understands the connection between self-sacrifice and love. By giving so freely of ourselves, more than anyone could ever ask, we speak the true language of love, for love is a language best spoken without words.
> 
> Drowning, drowning, drowning. The singular thought that engrossed within Isak's mind. He's drowning in Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! I am so sorry for the long wait on this one I try to post every weekend but school has been crazy and I am just so unsure about this chapter I don't really know how confident I am in it also I am annoyed that it feels so short arghhh! It got deleted 3 times for no apparent reason, the entire chapter just disappeared, which was extremely frustrating, But I knew I wanted to publish this by this weekend for anyone who actually does like this fic! I still have my plan in mind so hopefully, I can stick to it. PLEASE comment what you think because as I have mentioned before I am not super experienced or anything, but I hope you can still enjoy. (The longer quote in the summary for this chapter was not written by me, I found it on a poetry forum but I'm unsure of the author, just thought I should say that. Everything else was written by me) :)
> 
> THANKYOUYYOYUYO FOR READING! <3 LEAVE KUDOS AND COMMENT (if u want lol)

                                                                                             Lørdag 11/12/16

        Even gently rubs his hand around beneath Isak's sweatshirt, tracing shapes and words. Isak usually couldn't stop talking, constantly craving Even. Always wanting to know more, learn about every crevice of this boy. This boy who kissed him in the early hours of the morning when he woke abruptly with a panic attack, this boy who never pushed farther than his limits could take, this boy who understood ever falter. Somehow recognizing every unspoken word. 

Today feels odd, he has so much he wants to say, to apologize for. He's been with Even for 2 weeks, yet he hasn't told anyone. He's sure Eskild and Linn have their suspicions. But he can't. He just can't bring himself to do it. He wants nothing more than to tell his secret to Jonas, to Mahdi, to Magnus, to the world. He hangs out with them nearly every day and they've noted that he seems happier as of lately, and he can just hear his mind screaming. _Tell them._ He just needs more time.

_Yet when he's lying here with Even, he knows the truth. He is so fully aware of every whispered word, every racing heartbeat._

He wants to have sex with Even, he really does. Yet that fear, the internalized homophobia never seems to leave. Their weeks together have all been getting to know each other, he's pretty sure Even knows more about him than anyone. The real him, the one who doesn't think that "I'm Yours" is a gay song, the Isak who went to was sexually harassed at a bar. And Even is so patient, he never forces anything and is so gentle sometimes Isak just wants to hold him until he melts. 

He nuzzles his nose into the warm, milky white crook of Even's neck, eyes scanning over every freckle. "Even" he mumbles, words being a bit muffled by Even's neck. "Hm?" he says warmly, looking down at Isak through his eyelashes, his farm fingers still tracing patterns onto Isak's lower back. 

"Do you ever-don't you sometimes, think about-" Isak groans, his face is burning red. But he's wanted to ask these questions for so long. He knows Even can't wait forever, and in all honesty neither can he. But when he really think about it, the thought of having sex with another boy still resonates as dirty, something he just shouldn't do. But it wasn't just anyone, it was Even. And Isak could never want anyone to be inside him more than Even, no other person would be as welcome of an intrusion. 

Even just waits, bringing his hands up to smooth Isak's blonde ringlets away from his face. "Isak it's okay, just tell me, baby"

"Sex" he says so quietly Even has to strain his ears just to make out the word. "Do I ever think about sex? Well yeah, all the time. But I am pretty sure we all think about sex, Isak" he chuckles lightly, twirling his fingers through the strands. "Come on Even, you know what I mean" he's staring at the bed, unable to make eye contact. Knowing his cheeks are exposing his every insecurity. 

"Just talk to me. Tell me what you mean." 

"I mean that we have never had-..sex. And I know that isn't good, and I am sorry I'm so bad at this whole thing." he really doesn't want to cry but he has so much he feels he has to apologize for, Even deserves everything this world has to offer. All Isak can seem to do is hide from the world, and bring Even down with him. 

"Isak," Even looks down, his cheeks glowing crimson. Small crease lines forming from furrowing his eyebrows. Is this really the first time Isak has seen him blush?  But Even looks..sad? Isak can't quite place the emotion. Does he not want to have sex? Isak knows he has issues but he has never thought of himself as unfuckable. Before Isak has time to think, Even is speaking, smiling.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" the smile doesn't reach his eyes. 

"Uh-O-Okay?" he doesn't quite understand why Even never answered his question. And why he suddenly wants to go out, he usually just likes to stay in, with Isak laying between his legs watching a film. Also Even has been very careful of Isak ever since the incident at the gay bar. Telling Isak when he goes to parties not to drink too much and to always text Even if he needs anything. He just wishes Even could come with him, the issue is that he's always attending these parties with the boys. And to try to act like Even is nothing more than a friend is..well nearly impossible.

Even grabs his hand, pulling him up from the bed. They spend most their time at Even's place because he lives alone, so, therefore, fewer people ask questions, less lies to tell on Isak's part. 

He holds tightly to Isak's hips, turning to stare directly into Isak's dark green irises. He doesn't really understand why Even is acting this way, he seems nervous, a bit on edge. And yet Isak can't quite find it in himself to mind, because Even's eyes never cease to amaze him. So fucking blue. Like the bottom of a pool. Or like the Atlantic ocean, he wouldn't mind drowning in them. Seconds later he is pushing his tongue deep into Isak's mouth, pushing it around in some sort of invisible battle. 

* * *

 

"Even! Where are we going" he's struggling to catch up with Even's long strides, _God_. His legs are so long, he can't tell if he hates or loves the fact that it turns him on as much as it does. "Just stay with me, okay? I just-I need to go here, and I want you to be with me" what's happening? Even looks so nervous, his bottom lip is trembling a bit and he's not quite making direct eye contact with Isak. 

"Okay," he mumbles, finally catching up to Even. He grabs on his shoulders, turning him around. "Slow down Even, please. My legs aren't as long" he says with a small exasperated smile, while he is nervous. Whatever this is that Even is so afraid of, Isak is going to be there. As long as Even will have him, as long as he wants him. 

They walk mostly in silence, aside from Even's deep breathing.

Even grabs Isak's hand, pulling them through the dark streets, a few street lamps flicker here and there, but otherwise, the streets are strangely quiet. The wind is crisp against his face, he feels a small bud of fear arise in his chest. He knows he can trust Even, and that he would never hurt Isak. But the fact that everything is so.. _quiet_ , makes it hard to drown out his thoughts. They continue walking, only passing a few stray people and finally Even stops in front of an abandoned warehouse, large with many floors. The windows are taped over and they are standing directly in front of a metal door, rusted and littered with graffiti. 

Even stops moving, and Isak swears he can't hear Even take a single breath for at least 30 seconds. Why are they here, an abandoned warehouse? Even reaches for the door handle, pushing it open slowly to expose a large, mostly empty room. There are boxes and carts stranded about, looking as if it could have been a factory of some sort at one point. They walk in, and Isak can feel Even's hand becoming increasingly tight around his, like a vice. As if Isak's hand is Even's only lifeline and letting go would mean certain death. 

Isak is unsure of how many times Even must have come here in the past, but it doesn't take much to see that it was _many_ times. He pulls them through each twist and turn, going around each corner with a certain level of skill and memory. It is so pin-droppingly quiet, he can practically hear the sound of his own heart ready to break out of his chest. Even stills, standing in front of a large carpet. 

He turns to face Isak abruptly, reaching their intertwined hands up to brush against the pale skin of Isak's collarbones, tracing a freckle with the tip of his pointer finger. "Even? Why are we-" but before he can finish he is cut off with Even's thumb, brushing over his bottom lips, his touch like a light feather. 

"Isak. Just know you are the most beautiful person, feeling, everything. I have ever seen or felt. In every one of your universes, you are that. Always. And I love you with everything in me" he leans down to whisper the words into his ear. _Thank you Even, you are the most exquisite human being I have ever been privileged to lay my eyes upon, and I would give up every last minute of my life to just be near you._ Those are all the words he dreams of saying, turning and telling Even everything he has felt since day one. But he doesn't, because his mouth simply does not know how to. 

And once again his words get stuck somewhere between his Esophagus and Pharynx. 

So instead he decides on one thing he does know how to do. He kisses Even, coiling his fingers around the fuzzy skin of his neck, unknowingly wrapping his fingers around the honey-colored strands that he loves so dearly. 

Before he has the chance to say anything at all, Even is pushing the carpet over, reaching for Isak's hand again. Beneath it is a small, hinged metal door. Presumably leading to an underground section of the warehouse, Isak suddenly becomes aware of the muffled thumping of music breaking its' way through the silence. All this. _.just so Even could take him to a club?_ He furrows his brows, shooting Even a questioning look. Even is not looking back though, he is staring intently at the floor while biting the skin of his lip. 

Even pulls open the heavy door, the deafeningly loud music being let out into the quiet warehouse, Isak can feel the vibrations going from his feet through his bones. The overwhelming smell of sex, pot, alcohol, and something Isak can't quite place is wafting from the room. The staircase to go down is long and spiraling, and Isak shoots him yet another questioning look. But Even is, _wait, what is Even doing?_   Nothing is making any sense, what felt like a minute before, all Isak could focus on was the trembling of Even's hand and his deep breathing. Yet now his mood appears to have taken a complete change from earlier, all signs of nervousness are completely absent from his face. His head is tipped back, eyelashes fluttering onto his cheeks.

His plump lips are mouthing the words of the seemingly familiar tune, Isak had never heard it before. He looks so angelic, lips parted in a way that makes Isak want to devour him whole, sucking on every section of his soft skin. 

Even sways softly, smiling deeply as a piece of blonde hair falls into his eye. Before he has time to process anything, Even is pulling him down the stairs, body bouncing to every beat. The room is not very large, yet there are people everywhere. Boys dancing against boys, girls and girls, boys and girls. Isak's eyes land on a girl in the far right corner of the room, tilting her head seductively in the flickering strobe lights. She has long red hair, swaying against her hips as the holographic sparkles on her eyelashes twinkle like miniature disco balls. Another boy is in the center of the room, wearing only red shiny lingerie, lips connected with another boy's. Isak can't seem to keep his eyes focused on any one person, every vibration of the bass is reverberating through what feels like every cell in his body.  

Even grabs the skin of Isak's thin hips gently, taking them to the center of the packed room. Every single person in the room looks completely serene, but not in a way Isak has ever seen before. They don't look drunk, or sleepy, they're all dancing, as if they themselves have become the music. Even has managed to find a drink, grabbing it from someone else's hands. Isak isn't sure if Even knows this person, yet at this moment he can't find it in himself to care. Because Even is tipping the cup through his lips, Isak watches as the fluid drains down into Even's body, seeping into his bloodstream. It is all so erotic, seeing the liquid find it's way down Even's throat, his Adam's apple bobbing. Isak grabs Even harshly, his lips crashing with Even's in the dirtiest, most sensual kiss he thinks he has ever experienced. His tongue is running over every surface of Even's mouth, sucking the remnants of the alcohol from his lips. Even moans deeply into Isak's mouth, hot air going down his throat as he swallows all of Even's noises. 

Isak has no perception of how much time is passing as they dance together, all he is aware of is Even. Even, who is in front of him, grinding their hard groins together, tipping his head back as he looks intensely into Isak's eyes. Even looks like a statue, Isak can recall learning about a sculpture from his art class who was sculpted with no arms. Yet she was still considered the most beautiful, most godly woman _because she didn't need arms to be perfect_. That if she had arms she would be so breathtaking that all the humans would be incapable of looking at her without falling in love, or dying, or maybe both simultaneously. For some reason Isak thinks Even is like that, that he decides not to be whole for the sake of others. 

_Deciding to be partial in order to spare others the pain of love._

Isak has no idea where Even is getting the drinks, but as more time passes Isak loses count of the number of drinks passing through Even's lips. And he loses count of the amount of times he has had his lips meeting Even's body. A new song begins playing, one with a much deeper bass. Even closes his mesmerizing eyes, bringing his arms over his head. He is wearing a yellow sweater, not the kind of blinding highlighter-yellow, but the mustard yellow that you see in the background of paintings, or a dusty daisy. He is tracing his fingers through the air, swaying his hips like some sex-driven god.

 _Me and my_ _bitch, took a little trip_  
_Down to the garden, took a little dip_  
_Apple juice falling from her lips took a little sip_

He cannot count the number of pills being pushed past Even's tongue, he tries his best to suck them from Even's mouth to take some for himself, but most the time Even is swallowing them before Isak even has the chance to comprehend that he has one at all. 

Isak suddenly is able to place his mind on the scent he wasn't able to place earlier, it's as if someone bottled the scent of "Forgotten Responsibilities" and packaged it into a perfume, tying a ribbon around it and drenching the entire room and everyone inside with it.  He can't help himself, he throws his entire body into Even, licking his neck with wet moans. Even stumbles back, his body not reacting quickly enough to stay stable. They half-walk, half-fall into a worn leather couch. Even lands in a sitting position, Isak straddles his groin, shoving his hard dick into Even's deeply. He rocks himself into Even, leaning in to lick the skin under his right ear. "Fuck me Even" he moans. 

 _Do you believe that Eve had Adam in check?_  
_And if so, you gotta expect to sip juice_  
_From the forbidden fruit and get loose_

He reaches his hand in between their sweaty bodies, Even's cheeks are completely flushed, his hair matted down to his forehead in a sweaty mess. His eyes appear more black than their usual blue color, the pupils nearly entirely swallowing his iris. He grabs the waistband of his pants, attempting to shove them down while thrusting himself to the beat. Even reaches down, panting as he grabs Isak's wrist. "I can't" he grunts.

Even wraps his long arms around Isak's ribcage, flushing their bodies flat so Isak is laying on top of him as Even rubs the small of his back. A whine croaks from the back of Isak's throat, wriggling his hands to cup at Even's groin through his pants. Yet again, Even stops him, reaching his hands up to smooth Isak's sweaty hair, tucking it behind his ears. He places a soft kiss, his lips so large and puffy as they press against Isak's small lips, soft as a cotton pillow. 

"Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged" Even whispers into Isak's cheek, he can vaguely remember hearing that line from a movie. But it sounds so much nicer when Even says it, the strobe lights are flashing onto his cheekbones, playing off of every surface of his sculpted face. The entire room is so full of music, you have to literally be connected to someone just to hear them. Every wall in the room seems to be an optical illusion. But he is not afraid, all he wants is Even, to be taken by him. 

He rolls off of Even, plopping next to him, sinking into the pliant material of the couch. He can imagine how many others sat here just as he is, must have had to be many people for the couch to have gotten this worn down.  He covers his groin with his hands, embarrassed of the extremely noticeable bulge. He sighs through his nose, "Why won't you fuck me Even? I'm not a child". He realizes Even may be hesitant because he is younger, but he is not foolish, he knows exactly what he wants. And maybe it is his horny-teenager side taking control but this is what he wants, for once it wasn't just an illusion. 

He sighs through his nose, "Why won't you fuck me Even? I'm not a child". He realizes Even may be hesitant because he is younger, but he is not foolish, he knows exactly what he wants. And maybe it is his horny-teenager side taking control but this is what he wants, for once it wasn't just an illusion. 

But when he turns to Even, waiting for his response he realizes Even's eyes are closed. He knew that Even was wasted, but he didn't know he was 'black-out' wasted. He takes a moment to stare at the boy, the way his lips pouted out and perfectly complemented his slightly upturned nose. He still has the sweater on, nearly completed drenched in sweat. The pale skin of his neck is glistening, Isak's eyes trail down the clusters of freckles. 

He rolls back on top of Even, bringing both his hands up to cup Even's burning cheeks. He puts his entire mouth over Even's, licking the rim of his lips, "Evy, wake up" he says softly. Even's eyes flutter softly, but he doesn't wake. Isak uses the bottom of Even's shirt to wipe his forehead of the sweat. _What if Even overheats?_  He hadn't thought about it before but Even always wears long sleeves, even when it is far too warm to be socially acceptable. Isak can remember reading that if someone gets too hot they may pass out, and adding this to the drugs and alcohol is probably not a good mixture. 

Isak reaches for the edges of Even's shirt, wrapping his fingers around the soft fabric. He tugs up, breathing sharply as more of Even's skin begins to be shown. He would never take advantage of Even while he's like this, hell, he doesn't even have the courage to when they're sober. But he can't help but appreciate how _beautiful_ he is, even as drops of sweat run down his chest and he can feel Even's fastened heart rate against his thigh.

He gets Even's sweater fully off, allowing him to lie shirtless. He is still unconscious, so Isak just stays on top of him, carding through his wet hair with his fingers, blowing on his face gently. He drags his fingers up to run them along the edge of Even's soot-black eyelashes. 

After what feels like an hour, Isak wakes up. He doesn't remember ever falling asleep but he quickly realizes Even is still out. He gets up, standing to access his surroundings. The room is still packed, only more people are asleep and less are dancing, the music seems a bit quieter as well. He sits back down next to Even, not wanting to leave him. His eyes run over his exposed chest, landing on his arms. 

 **_He sees the scars_**.

There are small tracks running down Even's arms, needle-sized hole punctures riddling the around his inner elbow. The marks are mostly healed, only a few left with red, inflamed skin. The entire area is an off-purple color, resembling a watercolor painting, speckled with yellows and greens. Isak can't help but feel the burn behind his eyes, _why would Even ever do_ something _like that to himself?_ Isak is reminded of another artist, Vincent Van Gogh. He made some of the most appreciated masterpieces in history, yet no one paid any thought to him until he died. He took his own life, screaming into oblivion. Isak can imagine him, completely unaware of who he was to become, yearning for something more, or in retrospect, something less.

A tear rolls down his cheeks and lands on Even's arm, Isak reaches up, running his fingers over Even's arm with a feather-light touch. He is startled when a deep voice booms over the music from in front of the couch, he immediately looks up. It is a young man, appearing to be in his early twenties, red hair and deep brown eyes. His face is covered with freckles and Isak thinks he is unique looking, from the way his hair curls around the nape of his neck to the way his left eyebrow has a small slit of hair missing. 

"Don't touch him there, he doesn't like it" Isak furrows his brow at the man, squinting through the dim lights. _How does he know Even?_ He retracts his fingers from their resting place on Even's arm and raises his eyebrows timidly at the man. "What happened to him?" he can feel a tear roll down his cheek, yet he is hardly aware of them. The man's features lighten, seemingly pitying Isak due to his current state. 

"He had a heroin addiction, used to come here nearly every night" the man stopped talking, rubbing his chin with his hand firmly. 

"Are you his boyfriend?" the man continues.

"I uh-I am" Isak says quietly, it is his first time ever admitting to anyone his attraction and love for the man next to him. 

"Don't worry, I am not judging you. You found a great guy. He has his issues, used to crash at my place a lot when he couldn't make it home" Isak glares at him.

"Hey! Not in a creepy way. I've known him for a while, I just wanted to help him. He's such an amazing kid, he was just so lost. After the night he couldn't take the pain and would shoot as much heroin as he could get his hands on" the man is talking slowly now, eyes trained on the couch as sad memories roll resurface. 

"Wh-what pain?" Isak can hear how small he sounds, but he can't help it. He doesn't understand why anyone would ever want to hurt Even, the boy who just gives and gives until everything he is has been completely consumed by others. 

The man looks up at Isak briefly, a quick glimmer of pain shooting through his face. His jaw tenses tightly as he lets out a sharp inhale through his nose, "I don't know if he would want me to tell you, I just-" the man is cut off my Isak "Please! He's my boyfriend I love him, I swear I do" and he can feel the tears streaming readily down his cheeks now, dripping off the tip of his nose and the salty liquid creeping its' way into the corners of his lips. 

"He-he used to be a prostitute, he had no money and he'd get so fucked up that he couldn't even feel it. Once he became dependent on the heroin for happiness he would fuck for drugs, let them take him while he was completely unconscious" and now he is crying too, a single tear dropping from the corner of his left eye being brushed away just as quickly. The man drops himself onto the couch, keeping a respectable amount of distance from Isak. 

Isak lays his head on Even's chest, he can't keep himself from staring at the pock marks. All he can think of is Even being fucked by other men, so out of it that he wasn't even aware of it. The pain of needing something so bad that he could lose all care for himself. The tears form a small puddle in the indents of Even's chest, pooling around his bellybutton. "I'm so sorry Even" Isak wraps both his arms around Even's chest and tightly closes his eyes shut. 

The man speaks up again, "Just-don't tell him I told you, okay? He doesn't like people to know. Also, my name is Harriot. You can sleep here, no one will touch you I promise, everyone here knows Even" he speaks softly, patting Isak's shoulders cautiously. 

 **** Isak doesn't respond, he just nods his head as he grabs Even's sweater off the floor in front of them. Since he woke the room temperature had dropped significantly and he doesn't know if he can look at the scars any longer, not because he doesn't find them beautiful. Becuase he does. He finds every part of Even beautiful, and if that means he has to love the pain, then so be it. It's because he feels guilty knowing what Even didn't have the courage to share on his own, he wants Even to come to terms with it on his own time. 

He pulls the soft fabric over Even, his limbs limply moving as Isak guides them into the sweater. Harriot speaks again "I am glad he's better now," he says before pushing himself off the couch to join the others in dancing. 

But Isak knows he is not better. Because this is why Even didn't want to have sex, this is why he was so cautious. 

_Because he is afraid Isak will not love him for being impartial. For being the armless statue._

_Venus de Milo,_ he remembers.


End file.
